Hmmm I’m not even sure how to begin to express what is going on with my life right now. I have taken your advice and I am on a routine schedule now with an IC. I am still very confused but hopefully with a little time that will resolve.
Rewind 3 weeks and picture this- My h asking if he can return home? With your guidance I told him no. Now fast forward a week later- he walks in our home nervously and says he is considering retiring and taking a new business venture that consists of traveling across the US. I was completely shocked but only responded with a genuine and enthusiastic “congratulations”. His nervousness seemed to change to confusion then sadness after his spill on the career change. Things seem to be fairly normal the last two weeks or so until Friday. Friday he left for all men’s poker trip (he scheduled it 3 months ago). He was excited for the trip and by all accounts looking forward to it. He gets out there hangs with the men all day, sends lots of videos, and seems to be having a great time. However, later that evening he repeatedly calls and when I finally answer he is crying profusely. He can’t even speak!! He repeats he’s sorry but never addresses what for. I mean I can assume but there’s no way of making a correct assumptions with a man in crisis! He was considering flying back home but I convinced him to sleep on it and things would be better in the morning. He texts at 9 the next day and says “sorry for last night, I am better today”. That evening rolls around and he begins texting me “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry”. He doesn’t address for what but it’s the same text over and over. Texting has been the only form of communication we’ve had the last 3 years so when he called (more then once) this past week that is rare.
When is the right time to except them back to try? Is there still more remorse coming? Strangely enough it feels like he woke up and realized that we are split up and is trying to deal with a break up from day 1 when I've had 3 years to try to recover. Oddly enough I feel confident and I am calm. I can’t help but feel a lot of old hurt because these are painful emotions that I’ve put passed me and tried to move on from. It’s like ripping a bandaid off of an open wound. I don’t wanna go back and relieve what I went through when he left. I don’t wanna go back and I thought the key to this was looking forward. This feels like going backwards and I’m not sure I wanna go there and relive that pain again. Is talking about the past something we have to do to move forward? So many questions…...