Blu,

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Sadly for them they still have to carry that burden of shame and regret. But again with the boundaries, it is not our job to lighten their loads. We can say our piece and listen, but I don't think we can try and alter or change their relationship with their past. I can recognize now how much I lacked boundaries in that area after my H came back. I felt so burned and justified in my anger and he felt so guilty and deserving of it, that I often used it as a weapon against him. It didn't help anything and it just prolonged things. On the flip side, I needed that time. It took me years before I could really work on real trust/intimacy again.
This is so interesting. I remember that Alison also felt like she'd weaponized her H's guilt around his EA after they reconciled (though maybe less via anger and more via sadness). And Wayfarer talks about her first H bringing up her A for years, into every single conversation. I know my H thinks I do this also. (Since he doesn't suffer from NMMNG, he doesn't willingly swallow it, though-- he will to a point and then he says something.)

I think I need to continue to remind myself of boundaries and taking responsibility for my own healing. For instance, my H has said to me that I control my own thoughts/feelings (and I know DnJ would say the same) but I always tell him I can't control the triggers, these things come up and it is hard. But I have been trying this past week to take more ownership of my own mental space. I realized also the past month or so that it really doesn't feel painful to think of the A, most of the time. It comes up for me and I think I'm like poking that sore tooth with my tongue over and over to see if it still hurts... but it is far, far less painful (most of the time-- sometimes I still feel that rush of sadness and anger). It took me awhile to realize that the pain was really reduced though. I had to step back and reflect on my own feelings and really consider them before I realized I felt a lot better about all of it. So now I'm trying to get over this habit I seem to have acquired of really dwelling in thinking about the A when it comes up for me, by acknowledging it (and also acknowledging any feeling or lack thereof it brings with it) and then dismissing it and moving on to something more productive.

And... I would love to connect with you via IG. Yes, please. smile xx May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing