May,

I am so glad that you keep coming back and posting to me. I wish there was a way we could connect outside of the boards. Are you on IG? I think if I shared my handle and you messaged me, I could tell if it was actually you... I just wrote on Maika's thread in response to LH's post and it dawned on me as I was typing that these boards no longer offer a strong sense of community and I just can't see them fully recovering. If you had been here 7-8 years ago, you would have seen several posters like Sandi and there was so much support and rich information being shared. People really spent time getting to know one another and gave thorough and well written feedback. And people had boundaries, which for me is number one in life, esp as I have had to do so much self reflection and fix a broken marriage!

I think the beginning of Covid/quarantine in March 2020 did help our relationship. It shook us out of our daily routines of running around -- work, kids, sports, etc -- and we found ourselves at home and spending time together every day. In terms of him recovering from all the MNG stuff, well I would say yes, but only to an extent. There are just things about him that will never change. In fact we have been talking about that recently. I am not sure that is such a bad thing tho. There are also things about myself that I am realizing I still need to challenge myself to accept and improve on. Mostly in the way I communicate. It is much easier for me to write things out, proofread and then edit. When I am frustrated and having a disagreement I can easily lash out and let emotions take over.

I wish AlisonUK was still here also, but I completely understand why she left. My hunch is that another poster named KitCat won't return either. I am disappointed because I had been catching up on her threads and wanted to offer her some support and ideas as well. ... Anger is a tricky thing and I imagine different and deeply personal for us all. Some people learn to use it as a tool early on in life and some people are taught to bury it. I think gender plays a role in how we are modeled and taught to express or not express our anger.

Going back in time and rereading your old words is a good idea. I have done that too. I imagine your perspective on it will continue to change and evolve with each year that passes. Yes, he was weak, lame and a sorry sack. lol. Mine was too. Sadly for them they still have to carry that burden of shame and regret. But again with the boundaries, it is not our job to lighten their loads. We can say our piece and listen, but I don't think we can try and alter or change their relationship with their past. I can recognize now how much I lacked boundaries in that area after my H came back. I felt so burned and justified in my anger and he felt so guilty and deserving of it, that I often used it as a weapon against him. It didn't help anything and it just prolonged things. On the flip side, I needed that time. It took me years before I could really work on real trust/intimacy again.


I think I need to reread that post by DNJ several times. It's so poetic and metaphorical that I can't quite wrap my brain around it!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela