Originally Posted by pinn
So now it is time to look back and examine what happened. So I did a bunch of work, learned a ton about relationships in the hopes that this will never happen again. I had some flaws that I never knew existed until I looked, I knew nothing about love languages, I did not press when there were obviously serious issues developing in our relationship, I knew nothing about what an actual good relationship was or what it looked like. Do I take all the blame for my ex going off and cheating? Of course not, that is not acceptable. But I do take at least partial responsibility for getting into a relationship that was likely going to fail spectacularly, ignoring warning signs hoping they would go away, definitely poor communication and in general, just staying in a poor relationship probably for comfort more than anything else.

Starting or staying in a relationship with the expectation that maybe the person will grow into the person you want them to be is definitely on the LBS. None of us should be in a R with someone we *hope* will grow into a different person. That is a great opportunity for a LBS to do some self-work.

And likewise, going back to LH's tagline side convo, we shouldn't be in a R nor fighting to save a R when someone is trying to walk away from it. That is another opportunity for self-work and growth. "Why am I am motivated to save this and make them stay? What does that say about me, my insecurities, fears or expectations? Where do I need to grow? Am I codependent? Needy? Or just in shock at the moment?"

^^ Both of these are on the LBS. Within their control as an autonomous human.

But there are ways of leaving that result in less damage. I don't think we see those people here because those people are working through the end of the M with some integrity and dignity, even if there are hurt feelings and some natural ill will for a moment.

So, the majority of people here are dealing with the more caustic ends to marriages. And most of them ARE dealing with infidelity and abuse (I happened to believe infidelity IS abuse, BTW). So the LBS might need more of any of these things FIRST: 1. time; 2. support that this isn't about you; and 3. gentle nudges to behave in ways that they will feel proud of 2 years down the road, BEFORE they are able to spend heaps of time on the self-examination table.

If the LBS is ready to dive straight in to the self-examination and can do so with the clear intention of self-improvement for their own sake and not for the reward of earning their spouse back, then by all means go for it. Otherwise, the vacillation from 'it's 90% all my fault' to 'it's 90% all the WAS/WS' is a pretty normal arc in the pendulum swing. As long as the LBS doesn't take Wayfarer's 'Path to Bitterness' by remaining stuck in the blame, then it's OK to vacillate as long as it results in healing.