Thank you again for your response!! So many things think think about! Honestly, complete honesty I have no idea where my head or heart really is? My anger is completely gone. Almost as if I don’t care anymore. I do not think I am in love with my husband anymore unfortunately. I’ve been standing for so long with the hope he would return but now I am so comfortable on my own that the idea of him returning isn’t exciting, it’s kind of scary. It’s so hard to explain. Him returning is what I thought I wanted all along. I just don’t know if I want him back. I didn’t want the person he was 6 months ago but I would consider trying to work with the person he was yesterday. Does any if they make any sense?
I’m “trying” to come home. So with this when he left that day he had tears in his eyes and he had walked the halls of our home, drove all around our ranch, and he really focused. I gave small detail on this in 1st thread. He was in such low deep depression for months before this day. I hadn’t ask him if he was thinking of coming home and he certainly didn’t have to tell me that he was considering coming home. I’ve not had a R talk in years. He speaks and I listen but until that moment he had never said anything to the extent that he may want to come back. Since that day he stepped up without speaking of anything and is going out of his way to try to make things right.
Serial cheater, really?? I’ve never thought of him that way exactly. I’ve only caught him once with anyone in 20 years. Once is too many tho! Not defending him because maybe I need to look that term up, he may be the criteria for it. The EA that I accused him of left her spouse a month before my H left. I just feel like it’s more. Although, in 3 years they’ve never been together and I think if he wanted her then he would be with her. I almost hate to admit I was wrong but that may be one that I have to. I had hired a PI for 3 months and found nothing on them. The EA actually had a new bf. Not that I plan to admit I was wrong on anything!
I did read the lighthouse story again. It’s so comforting and beautiful. Each time I read it, I have a different view of it. The way that it’s explained is absolutely amazing! I’ve had a front row seat to the conflict I see within. That’s why I feel so strongly that this is change. The chaos is gone and has been for so long. The conflict is/was there throughout. The switch flipped and it was like he woke up one day and realized that he was wrong. It was like 6 weeks ago my H that didn’t know what happened, why it happened, what he wanted, and that blamed everything else in his life for what is wrong in his life (which was nothing) realized that he was the problem. Not only did he finally figure out that he was the problem but now it’s like he is wanting to make up for lost time. He doesn’t wanna miss a thing, going out of his way to make things right, and trying to mend all the broken fences. I’m trying to be w guiding light but it’s hard being a light into a world that your not sure you still want.