Magnhild,

Originally Posted by Magnhild
We started back at school (just staff) on Monday, and it was horrible. Broke down at lunchtime with a colleague. Felt so wrong people asking how the summer was. "What did you guys get up to over the summer?" questions. No-one apart from a few close (mutual) friends at school know.
It must be very difficult having to work in the same building. I can't imagine. Try to stay strong and put on a good face.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
W came to see me at the end of the day, and we were both in tears. I really tried to be strong, but it was so hard.
I'd recommend asking her not to just "come by" at work. You may want to have a discussion with your supervisor (principal) about the situation, and see if there's anything they can do to help from an HR perspective? If nothing else, explain the situation so they understand you're going through a difficult situation and perhaps be more empathic to flexibility you need work-wise. I had to have an embarrassing (in my mind) conversation with my fairly new manager about my sitch explaining why I wasn't meeting some work commitments and he was actually incredibly understanding, flexible, and helped take off the load and now a year later is seeing me crushing it. I'm glad I spoke to him about it.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
For the first time, later that evening, I had to reach out to her to ask how to mend a catch on the bedroom window, hoping she could explain.
Did you need to contact her about that? Any other family, friends, contractors, YouTube videos which could've helped you without her assistance? Remember...don't use those things to create interaction, it's needy and pursuit.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
She came round to fix it and noticed I had taken off my ring and taken down our photos. Please don't criticise but I was very much "This is not what I want, but I accept that you want out of the marriage". So hard.
Did part of you want her to see this? If you're doing those things to move on yourself, great, but don't do them to manipulate her back.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I asked her to go and see the bank about our mortgage, and that I would be contacting a lawyer so we can sort out the financial situation as fairly and as soon as possible. W was really surprised and visibly upset as she thought this could be done amicably.
Agree with CWarrior having a L doesn't prevent it from being done amicably. Also, not sure you want to advertise you met with someone? It's a business negotiation now and you need to look out for yourself...why advertise you're getting legal advice? Hopefully not to manipulate her back...

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Today is Wednesday, and she came to see me at the end of the day asking for her to come round and collect some work clothes. She left a while ago with lots of bags. We talked (politely) about school stuff and no R talk, only business. I had written a list of her belongings that she needs to take and she seemed very taken aback. Although I know it's not my problem, I feel so bad about telling her, as I know how difficult it is going to be for her.
Did you give her a deadline as discussed above? Don't let her drag it out and keep stopping by for another load every few days, which will impact you emotionally. Pack up that list of items you made and leave it in the garage or on the porch. No reason to have her engage with you.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I have secured an appointment with the lawyer on Monday. The irony of having him to legalise our marriage in this country, only to ask him advice on separation is not lost on me. I haven't yet told her the appointment is on Monday. When I spoke about it before, she asked me if I wanted her to come with me. I said no.
No need to advertise you're meeting with a L. And certainly DO NOT invite her along. The L is to protect YOUR interests, not hers - you have no idea if the D will go amicably...regardless of what she's saying now.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
So I went to my home gym to make myself better. It didn't really work too well as although my body is celebrating my new found fitness, my heart is breaking.
It's great you're working out. That will definitely help.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
If at any time during the last few weeks she had said that she just needed some space to sort herself out with the aim of eventually reconciling, this would be playing out differently. But she didn't. I am trying REALLY hard to let go.
Unfortunately the WASs have no interest in working on it, otherwise yes you probably could improve things. It's going to take time to let go. Keep up the work and you'll get there.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I can't help feeling that I am rushing this.
It might feel like that now but the sooner you start the sooner you'll be on a path to feel better and stronger; you won't regret putting in the work ASAP.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I keep telling myself I will get there eventually. I won't always feel like this. I am being strong and doing what I can control and setting the boundaries, but I just don't want this marriage to end.
You will get there! It is hard. Hang in there.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21