WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (4)

[BL42]

Anger is tough. I think we all get it at times especially near the beginning (and even though it's been a year and you've already D, it's still near the beginning). It's easy to say "just worry about the things you can control" but it's harder to do in practice I know. I don't remember if you're in IC, maybe that could help give you some ways to work through it. Also as discussed above maybe just doing pick up/drop off at a public place for a while could be helpful, just so you don't have to see the "one big happy family" in your face. I agree with Steve that public car switching is not going to be an issue for the kids. Above all, I do think things will dissipate with time.

On the bright side, it sounds like you're definitely killing it with the other parts of your life and time with kids, so you should feel good about that.

mako - I was in IC for 6 months but the counselor mentioned several times I'm doing all the right things and she felt she couldn't do much more to help, so I eventually dropped it. It did help be a good bit during the IHS and initial separation / D filing. Maybe I should consider finding a different one to help work the anger if it persists. Thanks for the encouragement on killing it, especially with the kids!

Hi BL42, they can dissipate over time, but you have to put in at least some work, too. I definitely know 5-10yr ex's who still demonize and battle with each other. I'd probably begin working through your feelings towards whichever of XW, OM2, and XMIL did you the least wrong. I'm guessing that's OM2, as OM2 broke no commitments to you, and XW chose when he moved in with your kids. People often seem to project anger over XW onto OM, maybe because he's a safer target.

CWarrior - Yeah...as much as I have thoughts of Karma now, it wouldn't be good for the kids (or me) to demonize ExW 5-10 years from now. I'll need to work through that anger as you mention. OM2 did date my ExW before she even moved out and moved in with her and my kids almost immediately and lived with them for 8-9 months while we were married, so don't know that's he's completely without fault, but you're right in that he didn't break a commitment to me like ExW did. I definitely need to work on the anger moments. It's not like I'm constantly stewing, but there are certainly moments.

Good Morning BL

Love the catching fish, pitching the baseball, and all swimming around in the lake. Life is good.

Cycling between “life is good” and anger moments is understandable and perfectly normal.
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For example, right after BD I could not make coffee. I mean I could place the filter in the cone, fill it with coffee, pour in the water, but I could not press the button to start the brewing. I know. Crazy right? Well actually, just irrational. Irrational means sans reason; it’s not crazy.

Another thing is the word “but”. Usually what we say after “but” is a justification for our action. “But I could not press the button.” Actually and accurately, I would not press the button. Of course at the time I didn’t realize I was reinforcing my despair. Pressing that button meant that W had left, was cheating, my life was forever changed, over, finished, etc… Not so! Lol. Yet, at the time that’s what I felt. Irrational as it was.
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Physical activity. That is completely within our direct control. When angry go do something. Something not related to the anger. We are working to uncouple not reinforce. Lol.

Go work out, run, clean the yard, dig the garden, etc. Sweat the anger out of you. This pulls your focus away from the emotional car and places you in the physical car. So many things are happening, you are lessening your focus on your anger, therefore letting it go, and crafting a new and better irrational tie based upon whatever triggered the anger in the first place.
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Once your cars are all lined up, all side by side purring along together, peace and contentment are found.

DnJ - I appreciate you taking the time to weigh in. I find myself reading your post several times, as it's a bit more philosophical/esoteric/conceptual than my left brain is used to, but definitely good concepts to learn more about. I am reading up on those areas I traditionally wasn't as into. I like your analogy on the car lines, can relate to the coffee maker example, and fully admit I need to focus more on the physical activity - maybe putting too many of my eggs in the kids and work basket and not enough on the raw physical. Thank you for your perspective!

BL, keep up the good work and be kind to yourself mate. Its all normal, the ups and downs. You know I struggled last week a bit, but just as you experienced, I am feeling pretty bloody positive about things and I can feel another shift in the right direction. Its like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, but thats net forward progress, just takes time.

OnlyBent - Thanks for the support as always. Glad you're shifting towards positive again!

BL - all of what you are experiencing/feeling sounds 'normal' given the circumstances.

I think the less you see of them, the better. One positive to a D is not having to deal with the in-laws.
If you can make it happen to where you don't do a swap, just use the school - go for it!

Also - go ahead and buy a second car seat. Simplify your life as much as possible.

your GAL activities sound amazing!!

97Hope - Definitely resonate with the positive note on not having to deal with the in-laws! Even my ExW used to complain about her mom a lot and cut her dad out of her life for a time (guess she did the same to me as well in the end). Now she has to deal with her two sides as well as OM2's two sides (his parents are divorced as well) and split time between all of them. So...she might have a lot of juggling with them going forward. Right now it's just me, the kids, and my family (parents married 4 decades) that get 100%.

I may broach the before/after school transition approach. That may be helpful for the kids (fewer switches) and me (no OM2 / "big happy family").