Originally Posted by wayfarer
Dropping expectations is kind of a life long DBing thing. As far as I know dealing with an unreasonable ex it's best to keep expectations for them on the floor and then you're always pleasantly surprised instead of angry or disappointed. At least that's what works for me, H and a lot of friends of mine.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Don't validate BS. If she comes at you with something is patently untrue feel free to correct her. I absolutely never validated things that were bald faced lies. But if she's just kind of emotionally dumping this is a good time for the phrase I loath "I'm sorry you feel that way." I think it's one of the most patronizing things you can say to another adult, but honestly when people get like this there's not much else you can say. You are validating but you aren't taking ownership of her feelings either. You're sorry she's frustrated and angry and that she thinks this is all your fault. But you're not sorry. Because you aren't the one and only reason she's feeling like that right now. You have nothing to personally apologize for.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I just wanted out as quickly as possible and the only thing I was willing to fight over was debt and our kid. The debt was fully his, and he wasn't capable of having her 1/2 time. I got lucky he just accepted it. Our D process went really quickly. I literally was living like I was 20 while I was about to turn 30. I had nothing but I had my freedom and my sanity and that was worth way more to me than having to start over.

Point of all that being, seriously, financial health is temporary. Mental health leaves a much deeper longer scar and it costs a lot on the back end to fix, at least here, you know our health care isn't the I needed my mind and soul intact more than I need things, a healthy bank account, or even what I was technically owed. Do what's best for you regardless even if it's not the best money move. If you just want this over and that $500 gets you there faster, by all means pay it. If in the midst of the divorce it's easier on your stress levels to give her something she wants even though she really shouldn't have it just do it. Kids are a hill to die on. Poverty is a hill to die on. If it won't starve you or make you homeless. If it won't harm your kids or your relationship with them there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing things that on the surface don't look like they are in your best interest. You know what's best for you. Trust that.

"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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