Letting go is emotional and mental too. You've done the physical letting go. But you continue to struggle with the emotional and mental part. Which tells me that you were overly attached, probably from the beginning.
I detect in you a tendency I've seen in a few people over the course of my life. The tendency to latch on to someone and not want to let go no matter what that person says or does. It reminds me of the scene in Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carrey's character is told by the object of his desire that there is a 1 in a million chance of them ending up together. And his character responds with "So you're saying there's a chance!" No actually she said the opposite, but he heard what he wanted to hear in order to continue to pursue her.
smilie, I think you know logically she is gone forever, but your heart won't let you understand that. And then your lack of self assurance makes you think that your world is ending. It isn't. She isn't your life, your existence. Heck no one can be that. We live in an imperfect world where disease and death is around the corner! You could have lost her to those things at any moment in time. Being paralyzed by her loss to the point of not being able to move forward is unhealthy (which is why you need IC). And it isn't fair to the other person to put that kind of pressure on them. No one wants to be responsible for another person's happiness!
So what are you going to do to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get out of your malaise? It is up to you! CW is a perfect example of someone that recently did that.
I really am struggling with this and it's a lot about the legal stuff. I have been waiting on the court for spousal maintenance claim to be heard ... still. I'm left trying to meet the rent for this house, cannot face opening post and am really going downhill I feel as I can't stop shaking even now, some 12 weeks on.
Yes I know it's over but she has done such a number on the finances that I cannot do anything. The pressure is mounting each day that passes as another month rent is due. I still have nobody who can help, my friend (who has ASD) just keeps saying that things are going round in circles with the conversation - I agree - as I am still waiting on the court - 3 days has turned into 4 weeks and still no word.
Every step I had envisioned and planned has been discouraged by my lawyer as it would not be the best option for me. She advised me to wait for the maintenance claim to be heard in court so we know where we are, as anything I do will affect my claim in some way.
I have also heard (via the lawyers) from my wife offering a very small amount per month, which wouldn't even meet rental payments, let alone anything else. She also dropped in that she stopped paying the utility bills here the day that she left and she has informed the companies and passed them my name - all without communicating that all this time. My lawyer isn't happy as she is doing this stuff outside of discussion, an agreement, or court ruling.
My thoughts are all over the place and I have not had a good experience with the doctors. I have never in my life experienced anxiety such as this and I wish it would stop. I have been trying to get IC now since day 1 and have now just been told that I have been put forward for relationship counselling but there is a 12-week wait. I don't know what else to do.
You mention that it's not fair for me to put pressure on her - am I getting this right? I am putting no pressure on her, it's 100% the other way around. This is of her creation. She said she wanted it simple and for me to use her lawyer rather than get my own, but she's making it complicated and expensive. She has gone against everything that she said, has acted and continues to act (in writing) in ways that are bordering on fraud. I still can't see how she is acting in this way and consider perhaps she is being influenced? Just a thought.
What am I going to do to end my malaise? I really don't know as this all revolves around finances and income - neither of which I have. I really haven't been so stuck in all my life. Had I had an income things would be vastly different as I wouldn't need to wait for the maintenance claim.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.