Originally Posted by smilie
As far as "the work" is concerned, I would imagine that made up of GALing, ICing, Reading & learning and in my case, getting as well as I can by sorting out this VM condition I have. For me it all rests on creating an income and that must be my focus when I get myself sorted.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I disagree with your assessment that you need to have money to GAL, etc. Even ICing, there are some free resources out there if a person is so motivated to find them. Especially someone that is no or low income.
I didn't mean it in that way! :-) I should have used a different paragraph, but I was saying that I need to focus on making an income when get myself sorted, aka. relocated. It wasn't meant to indicate that I need to have an income to GAL - certainly not!

Originally Posted by SteveLW
We had a LBS here a while back that made all sorts of excuses as to why he couldn't GAL, or IC, or 180/self-improve. The truth was he liked to sit and stew in his own juices and feel sorry for himself. His recovery was long and stunted as a result. He finally jumped into a new R, and I am guessing he has a future BD coming his way because he didn't do the work.
I certainly don't want to sit and stew and I don't want to feel sorry for myself either. I just try to solve this problem that I'm living in. Even my friend said today that it can only be solved by hearing from the court about maintenance, or scrapping going for maintenance and instead agree to go our own separate ways without claim upon each other, otherwise my thinking will just keep going around in circles as the situation isn't changing.

I would also like to be able to move on as quickly as I can and I did have a plan...and now I feel stuck again.

I spent a couple of days away looking at houses in a cheap part of the country. Did I want to live there? No, not really as it was fairly run-down, hence cheap. Could I live there for a while to heal, focus on me, build myself back up? Certainly I could. I made arrangements, was sorting things out and then I mentioned it to my lawyer, who told me to put it on hold for a few days as it would affect my spousal maintenance claim and we were waiting to hear back from the court. Did I take her advice? Yes, I did and it hasn't worked out very well and now it's gone over time the estate agents are on my case asking if I'm ready to fill the forms in to rent the place. I've explained the situation about waiting on the courts still, they have not been in this position before but relayed the information to the landlords who will probably pull out and stick it back on the rental market, even though I have asked what would it take to keep it from being put back up for rent.

I have spoken to my friend to try to get some perspective, I have spoken to the doctor to get some sleeping tablets as I cannot function on less than 3 hours sleep a night like I have been for over 10 weeks. I've also started to get the packing sorted - far too many things and I have once again been looking at houses on advice from my lawyer - there is none in this area.

It's like Groundhog Day just waiting to hear from the court and that's not in my control, but each day goes by costs me more money that I can ill-afford, as I need to pay rent on the house that I am in, into September now - this was not part of the plan, but has been created by following my lawyer's advice.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
I did paid GAL, free GAL, paid IC and improvements, and free improvements. I truly believe that where there is a will, there is a way.
I'm not saying that I can't GAL, I feel stuck as to how. I feel that I must spend the time of the day trying to sort out the issues that I have, trying to sort out possessions and pack, keep the house in good order, look after the huge gardens, etc and try to complete looking for a place to live, away from here.

I spend an hour or so a day just recently talking to support people on the telephone as I feel like an emotional wreck, born out of acting on the advice from my lawyer. I'm second guessing what I think is good for me and where to live and it's driving me nuts - literally.

My plan was to move then GAL, as I would have my own space then and be somewhat settled. While I'm here I feel so stressed as I feel that time is running out. It has been since the start as my stbxw told me that she would pay for things until the end of August - she renegged on that promise and began cancelling things without notice or communication, but the phone an internet is still there so I'm trying to get loads of things sorted. I don't sit down all day - apart from on the PC looking for properties. I spend an hour in the evening looking through posts here - I read them all but can't comment on any as I don't have the insights or knowledge that you guys have. I would like to though.

It would be nice to see what others had been doing for GAL, but I can't seem to search the forums thoroughly. I have been trying to get IC since my wife left and it took 7 weeks for CBT to start and then after 4 weeks they say that it's not suitable for me at the moment and that I need relationship counselling. so they have put me forward for that and there is a 12 week lead time. They will drop the CBT immediately seeing as they have now referred me on - so once again I'm on my own for at least 3 months and then I would have moved and had to start all over again with a different state body.

I did start GAL right at the start of all this. I was training as best I could in my little home gym, trying to push through the panic attacks, I was going to the park for a couple of hours to read and learn things, I was typing a journal so I could work through stuff and then things kept getting more pressured as the days went on and I got more anxious and had less time and now I'm at the whim of the courts, worrying about the outcome and if I will lose this house. I'm trying to ask myself if I should let it go and look for one elsewhere, as if may not be the right house for me. But either way, all the cheaper houses are in the same area, so I'll have an issue with any and all.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
Getting over someone is not easy. The only thing I have seen that helps is time. The more time that goes by the more clarity you will get.
I shall hang on to your every word here - I long for that time.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
LBSs have a way of romanticizing how perfect their MR pre-BD was, and that they have no idea how they'll move on without all of that wedded bliss with that person. The truth is most of us were pretty miserable in our MR as well, but we forget that when the flight or flight instinct kicks in. Give yourself time. This is a marathon, not sprint. Be patient with yourself.
I haven't been romanticizing and our marriage was far from perfect and I would not try to make it out as such. It seemed good for a lot of the time though and it appeared that we were closer than a lot of other relationships that we knew and witnessed - obviously I was wrong as mine didn't last.

Time will tell, yes. I just need to get through the next couple of days hoping I will hear from the court. This is what I worry about and try to find a solution, I can't and it pains me.

Sorry about the length...I did shorten it a tad. :-)


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.