Originally Posted by smilie
Read that and will read it a few times. It does feel like you will die, or more importantly that your life will go downhill and you'll be left on the streets with nothing - well, that's the story I'm telling myself at the moment. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

My brain finds it hard to do generalisations, such as "do the work", "let go" and "look after you". The same answer to all three is "How?". How do I do what work? How do I finally let go after just 10 short weeks? ... and ... How DO I let go?

As far as "the work" is concerned, I would imagine that made up of GALing, ICing, Reading & learning and in my case, getting as well as I can by sorting out this VM condition I have. For me it all rests on creating an income and that must be my focus when I get myself sorted.

Letting go is the hard bit, if that means just accepting that it is what it is, the relationship is over and I need to get on with my life on my own and build it up once again for the 5th time in my life and hopefully the last. How does one stop thinking about the other person they have shared the last 19 years with? I don't want to think about her all the time, it just happens. I don't like what I see in her now though and that has to help some way I would hope. I do feel worn out at the moment - stress, panic, emotional pain, lack of sleep and not sure if I have the strength to do that, but then again I'm still standing so I must have something somewhere that I didn't realise I had.

Looking after me? Being kind to myself? Making sure I'm ok? I don't suppose I've done that for a long time and will need to learn again.

I disagree with your assessment that you need to have money to GAL, etc. Even ICing, there are some free resources out there if a person is so motivated to find them. Especially someone that is no or low income. But I did both. I did paid GAL, free GAL, paid IC and improvements, and free improvements. I truly believe that where there is a will, there is a way. We had a LBS here a while back that made all sorts of excuses as to why he couldn't GAL, or IC, or 180/self-improve. The truth was he liked to sit and stew in his own juices and feel sorry for himself. His recovery was long and stunted as a result. He finally jumped into a new R, and I am guessing he has a future BD coming his way because he didn't do the work.

Getting over someone is not easy. The only thing I have seen that helps is time. The more time that goes by the more clarity you will get. LBSs have a way of romanticizing how perfect their MR pre-BD was, and that they have no idea how they'll move on without all of that wedded bliss with that person. The truth is most of us were pretty miserable in our MR as well, but we forget that when the flight or flight instinct kicks in. Give yourself time. This is a marathon, not sprint. Be patient with yourself.

But yes, go learn those skills: looking after yourself, being kind to yourself, and making sure you are ok. That is DETACHMENT!

Originally Posted by smilie
One thing is for sure though, the people here are amazing. You are all my support network at the moment and I feel so grateful to each and every one of you. I don't think any of you will ever know how much it means just for you to be there, to offer support - or a stern tongue - and all just for the love of your fellow man (in my case). I shall be eternally grateful and will certainly pay it forward when I have the opportunity to do so.

Agree. That is why I spend so much time here. My sitch turned around (not in a D vs. R way, but in an attitude and approach) when I found this forum. I am forever indebted to the posters here!

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018