Originally Posted by BL42
Reach out to another attorney or two for a free consultation and ask about their rates / costs? Maybe there's a better option for you. Maybe there's an attorney willing to defer the payments until the judgement is finalized, knowing you'll likely receive maintenance / reimbursements for monies removed from accounts / lawyers fees...etc.
I did do this right at the beginning as I didn't have money to put down to employ a lawyer. Absolutely nobody would defer payment, as there are no guarantees on claiming monies back. One company wouldn't even talk with me without me paying them money, as the abnoxious guy I spoke with kept telling me I was asking for advice, when all I was doing was explaining my situation to see if their company could deal with that. Another company gave me the same quote �5,000-�25,000 suggesting that I take out a loan to cover the costs.

Originally Posted by BL42
Another thing to keep in mind is in some jurisdictions the "more monied" spouse is responsible for paying part of the legal bills of the divorce for the "lessor money" spouse. Unfortunately for me, despite my ExW having the affair, filing for D, moving OM2 in with my kids...I had to contribute $3k to help pay for her to D me! What a world, right? However, IF that's the case where you are it would benefit you and may help your legal bills and an attorney's willingness to engage.
This is where my lawyer is good. She has also put in a claim for costs. This triggered a response from my stbxw's lawyer saying that they are surprised but would agreed to pay 50% of the costs. My lawyer turned around and basically said - no thank you, the only reason it has gone to court is because your client (my stbxw) refused to come to a resolution outside of court, therefore my claim for costs remains.

Originally Posted by BL42
Sorry smilie. It is an awful experience - there's not way around it. Hang in there. You'll get through it eventually. You'll wake up one day and instead of each day or week feeling like a month you'll wonder "how has it been a year already?" .
Let's hope eh? I really want to get started on my business ideas, but I'm in the wrong head space at the moment. I was hoping to move by the middle of August and then start it then, but my lawyer has told me to hold off to see what the courts decide about maintenance. So probably be a winter project.

I wouldn't have thought this would actually get tougher as time went on - only week 11 though (11 weeks today!), so I guess it's early days still.

Read that and will read it a few times. It does feel like you will die, or more importantly that your life will go downhill and you'll be left on the streets with nothing - well, that's the story I'm telling myself at the moment. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

My brain finds it hard to do generalisations, such as "do the work", "let go" and "look after you". The same answer to all three is "How?". How do I do what work? How do I finally let go after just 10 short weeks? ... and ... How DO I let go?

As far as "the work" is concerned, I would imagine that made up of GALing, ICing, Reading & learning and in my case, getting as well as I can by sorting out this VM condition I have. For me it all rests on creating an income and that must be my focus when I get myself sorted.

Letting go is the hard bit, if that means just accepting that it is what it is, the relationship is over and I need to get on with my life on my own and build it up once again for the 5th time in my life and hopefully the last. How does one stop thinking about the other person they have shared the last 19 years with? I don't want to think about her all the time, it just happens. I don't like what I see in her now though and that has to help some way I would hope. I do feel worn out at the moment - stress, panic, emotional pain, lack of sleep and not sure if I have the strength to do that, but then again I'm still standing so I must have something somewhere that I didn't realise I had.

Looking after me? Being kind to myself? Making sure I'm ok? I don't suppose I've done that for a long time and will need to learn again.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
As far as a timeline for getting over the relationship, It is going to take exactly how long you believe it will. Change your beliefs. You can choose to get over it sooner, or you can choose to let it drag out as long as you want. Your choice.
You are exactly right, it is a choice. It's all just thought and the limitations you are willing to accept giving yourself. I know this, so why can't I seem to do anything about it? I shall ponder that....

One thing is for sure though, the people here are amazing. You are all my support network at the moment and I feel so grateful to each and every one of you. I don't think any of you will ever know how much it means just for you to be there, to offer support - or a stern tongue - and all just for the love of your fellow man (in my case). I shall be eternally grateful and will certainly pay it forward when I have the opportunity to do so.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.