smilie, not going to lie. This latest update is disturbing to me. I sincerely hope that you can find therapy somehow someway. This last post seems desperate and hopeless. Two very scary things in terms of mental health. I urge you to reach out to a crisis line even, because I fear the path that this kind of thinking can lead you down. Please, seek help. This latest post screams out for more than this forum can provide to you.