Ok so the panic has set in - things are going wrong for me so much, yesterday it has gotten worse. I have a claim for maintenance from the stbxw going through the courts and waiting to hear. I am also waiting to hear about the house I arranged to rent.

I spoke with my lawyer yesterday about a letter she is writing to my stbxw lawyer as information still hasn't been provided for utilities online accounts. I'm not too sure about all of this at the moment and I asked that they are paid until the end of August as I have paid the rent here until then and my stbxw is also responsible for that, so it is only fair she pay the utilities seeing as they re in her name and she isn't giving the information so I can change things.

I mentioned to my lawyer that I have found an cheaper place to live, but it's in a different part of the country. She asked me how much the rent was and I said and I also mentioned that the only way I could secure the property was to offer a year rent up-front, as I haven't got an income and otherwise I would need financial referencing to be done and a guarantor - financial referencing would fail as I can't prove income and I don't have a guarantor. So the only way is to use some of my pension fund to pay the rent up-front.

She then told me that this would affect my claim for maintenance as the money wasn't coming out of income, but savings and that the only way to still have a claim is to pay the rent from income, which I can't do. The other option is to offer my stbxw an updated amount for maintenance (a lesser amount due to reduction in rent) and then have that agreement ordered by the court. The chances are that she would refuse this as she is claiming that she hasn't got any money left at the end of each month.

The thing is I will lose the house if I don't pay the rent up front, which means I will have to pay more rent here. Meanwhile my pension fund money is being used up with legal costs and moving costs. I can't seem to get moving on sorting out the house stuff as I don't know what's happening and I'm panicking really bad all of the time - I just can't seem to get a break. The more honest I am the more I get put in an impossible position.

I desperately need some help and there is none. Nobody will help me - nobody. Even my friend took something I said in a different way that it was meant yesterday and now he's annoyed. I only indicated that I've had enough as this is way too much for me and he took it that I was putting him under too much emotional strain and that I can't expect him to be there. So that's that then. He is on the autism spectrum and doesn't really like too regular contact and has always mentioned that he'll do what he can. This has really upset me as he has taken something in a totally different way that I can't even see.

I have 2 weeks to get everything sorted and I don't know what to do now. If I rent this new house then I lose my maintenance claim for rent (which seems mad) as it's not coming from income, if I lose this house then I can't afford to remain here as the rent is too high. Both way's my available pension fund gets smaller with lawyers costs, removal costs and rent up front. I feel like throwing the towel in here and that I'm up against something that I don't know.

What an awful feeling again and I thought it was getting better until that call with my lawyer yesterday. I thought they were supposed to help me, but she seems to be working against everything that I do. Even my state benefit payment is in question because of my pension money being triggered to come out by the stbxw. I'm really stitched up here.

I am panicking so much that I can't sleep or think properly and things seem to be getting worse for me. Quite frankly, I'm not sure how much of this I can handle anymore - it is way, way too much now. I have never before experience stress like this in my entire life and I have never before made decisions that are fair and make sense and effect only me, only to have them used against me by the person who is supposed to be fighting my corner - and with this condition I have, it's much worse.

I can't lose this house so will have to pay the rent up-front. There is only 3 days left to give notice on this place - otherwise I have to pay more rent, so I have no wiggle room at all.

What have I done to deserve all of this? What have I done in my life that fate/karma is dealing this awful hand? All I have done in my life is be ok towards others and help them when I can. Now I'm alone with this illness and stress, with nobody to help me and the world working against every decisions I make.

This truly is an awful life I am living. A nightmare beyond that which I could imagine.

M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.