First, I will say, you can't tell a person how to feel. But, you can tell a person how their actions are affecting those around them. Focus on actions not feelings.
It's crazy the parallels. Our counselors told my W, that she will most likely have to tell me things more than once, and that I will do things that won't be up to her standards.
My wife has also told me on multiple occasions, "we aren't your soldiers".
My wife and I had this situation yesterday. She likes this barn yard look, so we have been buying things to put up around the house, I try to do as much as I can myself. I'm not the handy dandy man, but with YouTube, I have got quite a bit done around the house. During COVID, I was able to finish a bunch of Honey Do list items. But since everything has went back to normal. I work two jobs and my W have stuff planned out for every weekend until 2026 (just kidding) it feels like it thou. I don't care, because, I like just going along and not having to think about planning that stuff much. I'm not a great planner anyway. Back to the topic (Writing what I think in the moment). So I decided to call a handy man. He came by yesterday and completed somethings on the list. He was an older gentleman and he really wanted me to watch him and learn, so I could learn how to do some of the things on my own. And he was slow, fell down the ladder twice, caught him once. Just a wild experience.
But when my wife came home and looked at all the projects, the first thing she did was start to critique. I was like huh! First, she said, "I'm not going to say much, because I wasn't here and I would of done things differently". One of the things he put up was a shelf with the industrial pipes, but looking at it now, one of the sides is crocket. She went upstairs and saw just one set of blinds was put up, and one tv mount was put up. She said, "why didn't he just finished?" I told her, he was slow as hell, and he was hell bent on me learning, I didn't mind learning. She was on this front of how she would of had done things differently. She then complained about the TV mount and how the old guy, (who I tried to contact) did it better.
I told her look, I came home early from work to watch this guy get this done, and now that I have seen him and shouldn't be that hard. She went on about not wanting to see this go undone, because we have a problem finishing things. I told her I would get it done. I got the other two blinds put up last night. Now, those two other TV mounts, who knows. LOL! Just kidding, looking for a TV mounting person now.
Before, those type of interactions would of sent me into a worldwind. And I would of lashed out, I did go into a mini fit, but she just calmly told me, I wasn't coitizing you. I just don't want all this to go undone. We tend to bounce back a lot quicker from these moments. I really think our Marriage Counselor, that just disappeared on us two years back, gave us great information on how to interact with each other. We have used those tools so far and they have worked.
I think it will benefit you and your H greatly to get into MC. It was a place that my W and I could air out our feelings. Please screen for a MC that's pro M. My first IC, wasn't pro Marriage, and she kept asking me why I wanted to stay Married and why don't I just leave her. Our First MC, spent all three of our sessions (We moved on after her last griping session), talking about her pain, and what caused her trauma. But, our last MC, that disappeared gave us the best info, was pro M and was big on living in the present, and if we forgave each other, growing from the past.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.