Originally Posted by wayfarer
My H in the midst of his A told me: he never loved me, he only continued our relationship to the point of where we were because I forced him to, that our entire relationship was based on ultimatums from the get go, that was always his plan B, that I belittled him, that I went out of my way to make him feel stupid, that I was controlling, that I was insecure, that it was my fault he was driven to an A. He also said all kinds of things that would've opposed that also in the middle of the A. He has since officially recanted the things he said that he actually remembers, a huge chunk of the awful sh!t he said to me he doesn't even remember saying.

People in crisis whether is be a wayward spouse, MLC, milestone crisis, just done trying in the MR...whatever, are like caged animals. They will do anything, say anything, manipulate and behave in completely out of character ways to removed anything in the path between them and what they think will make them feel better. You are a person in that path. As personal as her behavior is to you, currently in this moment what she's doing isn't personal. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Which is why every one keeps saying stop focusing on her focus on you. She isn't focused on you so why are you wasting all this time and emotional energy on focusing on her?

She loved you. Your love and the good times weren't a lie. She isn't the magic manipulator that you'd like her to be. Your whole life wasn't a lie even if it feels like it. And it does. It really, really does. It feels that way for all of us. And WS/WAS work really really hard at convincing the LBS, themselves and any one who would listen that the love wasn't real and/or the LBS was the problem. But that doesn't make it true. Right now it's really hard to extrapolate the objective truth of the nature of your relationship, and the reality is you may never find a place where you can see your relationship in an objective place so you just need to focus on what your truth was in the relationship. That you loved her and for a time she loved you. The rest is all confetti.

We all wish they would've said something instead of blowing up our MR and lives. But this is a wish in one hand sh!t in the other situation. Hindsight is always 20/20, but since it's not the hand any of us were dealt we can only control things we can control. Namely ourselves. Just focus on you, and know you're in good company feeling the way you do right now. If you can stop spinning, get some sleep, get something in your stomach, and breath you'll get through this.

We also all feel that loss. Even those of us who made it to recon. The man I'm married to now is not the man I married. He's not the man who had the A. He's not the man I recon-ed with. People change and grow all the time. Sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. Sometimes it's worse then better. Sometimes it's worse then worse. I had to grieve MR 1.0. I had to grieve losing the man I thought I married. I had to grieve the future I thought we were going to have. I had to grieve who I thought I was. You lose a lot when something like this happens. All of it needs to be grieved. But your truth is your truth. You're life wasn't a lie simply because you're on an unexpected detour. It's ok if you're not ready to accept what's happening right now. You'll get to that in time. But if nothing else use that anger that's flaring up to refuse to let WW take what you know to be true away from you. You know there were good times and good things. You know you were good. Just hold on to your truth and focus on you.

"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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