Originally Posted by Caligirl
Hi - are you just the more comfortable path? I struggled with this for quite some time . My only advice I can give you is almost 2 years later is Im very comfortable with is hes an idiot if he even thought another path was better . And my husband would agree now . But getting there was not easy . I grew more than him . This will come with time . The stronger I got the weaker he looked to me . Eventually it can balance somewhat .

God, this made me laugh. On most days, I'm very much in camp "I'm a catch you're a moron"....lol. It's the bad days that that insecurity creeps in. Sometimes totally out of no where. There are days where we feel disconnected and I start to wonder. There are days when he looks at me like I'm magic and I wonder any way. But I can't control anything here. His feelings, the long term outcome, if I've made a mistake wanting to keep the MR in tact. It's all totally out of my hands and I just focus on that I have to put the work in and what will be, will be.

The growth thing is the thing that probably makes me question my own loyalty the most, I guess that's a good way to put it. The waiting to catch up. I've been light years ahead from the get go because I dealt with my trauma head on. I've been in a position since my 20s to want to actively change my trauma responses and conditioned behaviors because it effected my relationships with other people romantic, platonic and familial. At this point in our lives I can see him actually trying to catch up. Prior to BD and the A I'd say he would refuse to move forward out of spite, like some how he was sticking it to me by digging his heels in and acting selfishly, childishly or irresponsibly. Every once in a while "this is how I am" rears it's ugly head. And I have to remind him that being a self focused d!ck isn't an inherent personality trait. That care and consideration for his feelings ends the second his "feelings" make people around him uncomfortable, anxious or miserable. He isn't always responsive to that as he's a catch more flies with honey guy, but there are points in time where I have zero patience to cater to his ego and I couldn't care less if I sound like his mother.

The weird thing is even when I was deeply depressed, even when he was having an active affair while living in our home I never saw him as strong. I forced myself to function and be productive while I struggled to shower and get out of bed. I went on with my life when he decided he wanted to have a life without me. He'll even admit he would've never had the wherewithal to have done what I did. Honestly, I still struggle to see him as strong. The harder he tries to be emotionally evolved the more I see him in that light. But he hides behind machismo, dry wit and physical strength. I think we're finally in that place where he willingly wants to grow, and we are finding our way to that balance we're just not there yet.