Hey all - just wanted to write after this long spell to shareÖ the day came. My ExH wrote me an email saying in short he regrets everything since the day he hurt me, is trying to work on himself, blah blah blah. He said he wished he had been a better person but now has to live with the consequences etc. and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He made sure to say I shouldnít feel obligated to respond (gee thanks for taking that weight off me haha).

Hereís the thing: I know his affair partner left him and in fact cheated on him. How do I know this? Pinterest. Dude only uses it to post deep quotes when heís going through something apparently and I checked it after receiving his email to find a thousand clues.

The irony is beyond words. The quotes heís posting are all like ďif you love someone you donít leave no matter how hard the situationĒÖ ďI hope they ask about me and I hope you tell them you messed upĒÖ and other things about cheating, feeling useless due to being discarded on a whim, etc. Hah.

All this to say, first and foremost, I didnít respond and donít really care about this man one bit anymore. But also, I donít believe for one minute heís actually working on himself. His little fling left him and now he doesnít know what else to do. While I feel validated in a way by his email - mainly just the concept that he feels the regret - itís also maddening in a way that he still doesnít seem to really fully get it and still continues to behave in a manipulative way veiled as something else. For example, he said he has hated every day since he hurt me. Really? I gave him more opportunities than he ever deservedÖ (and boy am I glad he didnít take them). He also made a comment that he attempted to take his life because of being in such a dark bad place with things weighing heavy on his heart, so thatís why heís writing me to express his regret. Everyone I talk to agrees - that seemed pretty irrelevant to say and more just an attempt to get pity. Same with the ďdonít feel obligated to respond commentĒ - seems like a basic reverse psychology attempt. Oy. And lastly - if he really has all these realizations of his problems and is really working on himself I would fully expect him to have a therapist at a minimum. And while I donít know this for sure, by the way his email was written and knowing how this man was in the past, heís not doing a dang thing. Heís saying heís doing it and telling himself heís doing it when heís really not doing jack. There was no specificity in his email about what issues he was going through at the time or what actual help heís getting.

Anyway, not my problem anymore. I do find it interesting how I notice my mindset after receiving this email. I felt relieved that he wasnít my problem anymore and also like I wanted to get away from him even more. While I always looked forward to one day getting this note to validate that Iím not crazy and didnít deserve what happened, itís also just totally not even close to fulfilling enough for all the pain he caused. That box is checked, but I am now repulsed by this person, and it embarrasses me that I ever tried so hard to make it work. I give myself grace because I guess itís only until we let the whole thing transpire that we can accurately see the person for who they are. I canít blame myself for thinking he should have been a good person worth fighting for, or might have been willing to put in work to grow.

So thereís that. Otherwise, Iím still seeing the same guy for 2.5 years now and Iím still working on my abandonment anxiety in general. Some things definitely still need to change with how I put way too much in before getting equal out. I learned this is a subconscious form of trying to prove my value in umpteen different ways when really I myself alone should be enough (I just thought I was a nice loyal person but this actually also makes a ton of sense for why I go above and beyond for nothing). Iím still trying to reconcile that because I donít feel like I go through life feeling less thanÖ I have just always felt like I need to work for what I get, I suppose, which isnít a rule you necessarily should have to apply to a relationship at least in the way that I do.

Enough for now. Thanks to anyone still reading smile

H:39 W:30
M:4 T:9

05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD
07/2018: Discovered A, confronted
09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out
12/2018: I filed
03/2019: Divorce finalized