The conundrum lies in how young H and I had our kids. I was barely 19 when my daughter was born and my H was 21 when his daughter was born. So at 37 and 38 we are nearly at the end here. D18 will be 19 in September and D17 will be 18 in March. One of my very best friends from childhood just had a baby, which is part of the reason I think I'm struggling to move past it. Her H has 2 kids from a previous relationship. She was pretty unsure about kids until she hit her 30s, and then she met her H and he wanted at least one more. So the idea of having a baby at let's say 39 isn't completely crazy but when you have a 20 and 19 year old, a newborn seems pretty out there.

Honestly we had a pretty tight window, and do think we've passed it. I think if this was something we were going to do it would've had to been done like immediately after our wedding at the latest probably 2 years ago. Which was the plan. And honestly it was a plan I didn't think he'd ever get on board with. He was pretty adamant that he didn't want any more kids. I told him I was. I wanted a houseful of them. That wasn't EVER going to happen with my exH, but I'd be satisfied to have one baby with a person who loved me and would be a dedicated parent. It would be a refreshing change. We circled the issue over and over. I resigned to no more babies about the time we got engaged. I didn't want to be in a marriage where he felt trapped by a child. And I didn't want a child who would ever so much as have an inkling of being unwanted. So I let it go, I grieved my dream, and accepted that my new dream would need to be enjoying in my 40s all of the stuff I missed in my 20s because I had a little one and no money. Shortly before the wedding, however, he kind of woke up one day and was like ok lets focus on saving to buy a house and then we can have a baby. It was the strangest thing. Then as we got closer to the fruition of that that's when he started getting weird and distant. That was about a year before the A.

He never said that had anything to do with it. I don't know that I believe that. And it was his plan at that point. Not mine. I walked away from the idea. I can say that adds to my angst over the situation. Like he purposefully ran out the clock so he could get his way. It's very likely that wasn't ever his intention. The likely explanation is it was just a perfect storm for him struggling with growing older and less wild, struggling with me, struggling with our MR and running into his ex, and the baby clock like other things in our life just happened to be part of the fall out.

I also understand with how bad my depression was why he probably felt like having a baby with me was crazy and he wanted to back out and just never said it. But this is one of the very few things I don't bring up in regards to the A. I brought it up once in the middle of the A. When it was an EA and he was in deep denial his whole thing was she has a bf and she wants to have kids. When he was preparing to go I flat out said "so do you plan on giving her the kids she wants?" He said something to the effect of " I don't know I don't plan everything years into the future like you." I said well she just turned 35 you don't have time to make that decision you need to know now. I find it funny that you keep telling me you have all these conversations with her about this new life you're going to build together, but neither of you thought it would be prudent to bring up the kid conversation seeing as her body is literally running out of time." He kind of stared at me blankly and I said "I'll forgive you for all of this some day, so I can have some peace in my life. But if you give her kids I'll never forgive that." And left it at that. I am not always as enlightened as I would like to be. Frankly I can be down right nasty if I'm pushed far enough.

I leave the kid thing totally alone because I know it's my hang up. It just doesn't feel like something H needs to fix for me. I already let the kid thing go once. And I would never have wanted to bring a kid into the mix when we were falling apart at the seams. I know that I want to enjoy my 40s. I don't want to do 3am feedings or cleaning up blowouts. I don't want to do school drop offs or PTA meetings. I've done all that. And I think with what little sanity and resources I had with my exH I did a pretty d@mn good job. I read her books every night. I volunteered as much as I could. I was present as much as I could be. I devoted hours upon hours of my life to sell cookies, making projects, and running all over the planet for birthday parties. Home work, applications, editing papers. All of it. She's an amazing kid. And I'm so proud to be her mom. But motherhood is the one thing in my life I excel at that I never really felt like I was an imposter at. It's the one thing I've never lost interest in, or deeply doubted myself (all parents doubt themselves). Motherhood is something I'm phenomenal at and I wanted at least one more opportunity for it. And as much as logical me doesn't want to do this in my 40s. Emotional me is p!sssed that even if I wanted to I can't. It's just too late.