Originally Posted by may22
I can't believe I'm letting myself get dragged into a conversation with LH, but:

Originally Posted by LH19
My response to that was " in what world is that progress".

Alison had posted about a very difficult situation and behaviors from her H that she'd been struggling with for a long time. The progress she noted was not in/re those behaviors with her husband, but the fact that his relationship with their eldest child was much, much improved. This was LH's response:

Originally Posted by LH19
WTF you women on here driving me fuching nuts. In what world do live in when the most important person in your life other then you kids verbally assaults until you’re in tears and it is viewed as progress????????

She never returned. You can make excuses and absolve yourself of responsibility all you want, but the fact is that a woman came here for support and advice, and after you posted this she never came back. And, she'd been a very regular poster on her own thread for a long time and helped many of us here as well. She was the absolute best at explaining boundaries and for any newbies out there, I strongly recommend reading her posts on my thread regarding boundaries (especially last summer) if you need help in this area. (I suspect LH crossed a boundary with her and she decided there was no reason to subject herself to this BS anymore.)

Note-- I'm not turning this into a debate (no need to say anything, LH, as I won't respond) and I apologize to Blu for even typing this. I just feel so strongly that the negative tone and bullying is actually damaging and driving people in need away, not just slowing down the board.

OB-- since I think you're talking about me dropping off, I will tell you that I was a regular poster for a lot of months and tried my very best to fight against the negativity by being positive and trying to offer- when I thought it made sense-- an alternative perspective. I think what JJ is talking about is that anytime posters recommend anything BUT kicking your LBS to the curb and maybe they'll come back after many years, or if your WS is waffling tell them to commit NOW or GTFO, we are put down. In my case, my educational background was thrown in my face and my spouse (and choice to stay with him) ridiculed. And on top of it I was gaslit, being accused of trying to control what others are posting when I was very careful and clear to state that we simply weren't all on the same page on advice and there were alternative perspectives that deserved to be heard. I don't understand why there is such venom and anger towards advising patience and being open to the potential of positive growth within your spouse and your R. And it wasn't just that final straw-- it had been happening at one level or another pretty much anytime I posted anything that didn't adhere to the current standard of "move on".

The posters that preach D here are creating their own echo chamber, maybe to reinforce their own choices and to reassure themselves that theirs is the only way. And if you're looking for an example of a poster who didn't R but is saying that the board has turned negative, AnotherStander (an incredible vet who has helped probably thousands of LBSs, including me) said it himself a few posts above.

What all of us in piecing are sharing is that we are still struggling with various things. For me, I'm struggling enough with trust that being ridiculed for taking my H back, or having my advice to a poster to give a situation some time rather than kicking their waffling S out immediately being derided as only delaying the inevitable... it isn't good for my own healing or mental health to get those kind of attacks. I'd like to stay engaged and help people the way that others have helped me. But I really needed a break. If I do come back more regularly, I simply won't engage with the bullies anymore. And it does sound like getting the piecing board moving could help those of us in piecing connect and not cloud the issues for newbies.

IMHO, another lens on what JJ is saying--advice given to you may not have been any different that advice given to him, because DB-ing isn't about your spouse. It is all about you! You have zero control over your WS's actions. You do have control over your own. You can focus on yourself, practice 180s, and drop the rope no matter what your WS is doing-- off in fantasyland with AP or sharing your home. Different paths have different complications, and different people have different abilities to handle the difficulties of each scenario, so you'll see suggestions based on helping each LBS figure out FOR THEMSELVES what their own values and boundaries are, and come to their own decision of how they want to proceed. It might mean moving out and filing for divorce. It might mean waiting for some length of time while GALing and working on yourself. I'm glad you're growing-- that's great. Whether our spouses come back or not, DB-ing is for you.

CW-- so great to hear from you. I'll say hello over on your thread. smile

Wow May it’s great to have you back. As I stated I posted out of emotion and should have handled it better. My father use to do that to my mother a lot so it strikes a cord with me. I will be cognizant of that in the future.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi