I do stop by here occasionally but I haven't posted because I just haven't felt up to dealing with the negativity and attacks from some corners. I have tried to be positive and compassionate and give advice as I can, but I definitely agree with several of the others here on the tone and content of much of the current advice. But now that you posted, I wanted to jump back in and say THANK YOU and how grateful I am to you for continuing to share your story. Your openness, thoughtfulness, and compassion just shine through every sentence you write, and it has been invaluable to me beyond words to have been able to learn from someone who has walked such a similar path. Wayfarer, you are in this same category as well. And with both of you, even where we had differences in our situations or how we chose to deal with them, I have never felt anything but care and support.
The reason I stepped back is that— as you know well—piecing is hard. The triggers, the flashbacks, the anger, the sadness and loss— that all still exists, whether you end up reconciling your M or moving on. I still am working through my own healing and figuring out how to move through the piecing process with my H at the same time. At this point, what I need is support and advice in alignment with the direction I've chosen to go, not backseat drivers who somehow think it is helpful to throw little bombs of distrust and whom I honestly think would feel vindicated if my M failed after all of this. I think many people who were in a similar situation to me may have chosen to step back if their situations took a turn for the worse because of the judgment and snark that lives here-- and those voices can be loud and hurtful. I still am sad about AlisonUK, who split after LH wrote a really cruel comment on her thread.
Anyway… I realize you specifically said you didn’t want a discussion of board usage on your thread and here I went! But in reading through the responses, here’s my two cents: where I see conflict is when you have posters counseling patience, forgiveness, and open-mindedness rather than cutting your losses quickly and moving on, those suggestions are being decried as weak, “beta,” having no self-confidence, being a doormat, whatever. I will say that in my situation, it is possible that if I’d kicked my H to the curb that reconciliation would have happened more quickly, or not at all, and maybe I’d be fine with that at this point. I don’t know. I do think, regardless, that if I hadn’t had the patience to let him go through the process he needed to go through to realize what he wanted, we wouldn’t be where we are today. The whole thing was awful and hurtful and incredibly painful to go through and I know that many of my friends here had a hard time witnessing it. But for me, coming here and having people (like you) willing to actually LISTEN and help me understand my own boundaries and values, and live them out— which in my case meant staying in the M— was priceless. I think it is important for us all to remember we are different people in different situations, and our job as posters is to help the OP figure out the right path for THEM, not just what you would do in the same situation. And I do feel that the loudest posters right now are just a big cheering squad pushing people to leave their WSs and move on, and those of us who might have something different to offer are simply attacked. I feel badly for the newbie LBSs, but I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the aggressive posters right now.
That being said-- Blu, Wayfarer, Over, joejoe, Steve-- what do you guys think about getting active over on the Piecing board? I know I'd really value your thoughts and experiences and others probably would as well. Piecing is so different from DBing and perhaps it would also be easier on everyone to have a separate thread where we can focus on those specific issues? I would love to hear what you're all up to as well!
Blu, I echo Wayfarer here in a huge thank you to you for continuing to share and post. Just reading this in your most recent post:
Originally Posted by Blu
Where my M stands today. H has been back in the M for over 6 years. I have to think about the timeline because I lose track of the years now. Triggers and resentments continue to fade into the background. Occasional memories come up and I note them and move forward. I never thought this could be possible the first couple years of piecing because I felt so emotionally triggered so often. So I maintain my belief that all wounds do heal in time.
was incredibly helpful. It’s been nine months now since my H ended his A for good and we began the slow process of reconciliation. I can’t quite put a finger on when I moved from reconciliation into piecing, but I feel we are there now. However, I do struggle with triggers, and we are only at the very beginning stages of piecing, I think. Knowing it took a couple of years to settle down for you makes me feel less stressed out about the fact it is still happening to me.
My thread filled up on Newcomers and I don't know that I want to open a new one here. I'm also a little skittish about opening one in Piecing-- I know this might sound silly, but I don't want to jinx anything! So because I know you care and want to know— I hope this is okay but I’ll hijack your thread for a quick sec. Overall, I'm doing well. We started MC and that has been both positive (in that we are talking about hard stuff with a mediator) and difficult (since it brings up really hard things for me). I still have some anger and sadness I'm processing about the A. I do trust my H. He tells me he’s sorry and he loves me almost every day. He is frustrated that I’m still stuck in the past and wishes I could spend more energy being focused on what we have now and where we want to go. He also wants to dig into why he did what he did in therapy and I know he’s struggling with reconciling the fact that he did this enormous and awful thing— not just one bad choice, but literally thousands of individual decisions over years that all added up into the affair— with his own conscience. He says he does not have feelings for AP any more and has said a few things over the past couple of weeks that are along the lines of he didn't feel about her the way he'd presented it to me in the thick of things, but I haven’t followed up on that line of conversation as I really don’t want to push at all. I’m also trying to be okay with the fact that regardless of how we look back at it now, it happened— but it also is in the past and can’t be changed.
There are some aspects of our R that are a million times better than before. He is a full 50-50 partner in the children and household work— actually, to be honest, right now he is more like 75 and I’m 25. He has been incredibly supportive and encouraging of my new job and is basically handling all the kid pickups, piano lessons, soccer practices, etc. He has been doing most of the grocery shopping for awhile now and we’re 50-50 on cooking. He still isn’t the best at cleaning but we have a decent balance (I let him load the dishwasher ). I feel supported and loved. I just still can’t quite reconcile all of that with the affair and the lying and all the things he said to me during the A about his feelings (man, I KNOW he regrets opening his fat mouth so much). And there are still issues from M1.0 that rear their ugly heads and we need to figure out how to deal with in a new way-- we're better at this, but not perfect. So overall… I feel we are on the right path, but we have a loooooooong ways to go.
Kids are wonderful, new job is very challenging but I’m loving it, and you’re now inspiring me to get back to exercising and taking care of my body (I’ve gained back all my post-BD weight loss and more, been pretty lazy).
I miss you. Thank you for stopping back in. xx May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing