Originally Posted by BluWave
I have thought about if there is something different I can add to these boards, but I honestly donít have the motivation to take this on.

Oh I think you add something to the boards just by continuing to update now and then! A lot of people come here looking for hope more than anything else, and stories of reconciliation do wonders for building hope.

This place is for support and advice, with healthy boundaries, and not for protecting your own ego, defending your position or for put downs.

Completely agree. I don't post much anymore because I was tired of getting personally attacked if I posted something that someone else didn't agree with. I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I say, but I DO expect to be treated with respect just as I treat others with respect even if they don't agree with me. When that quits happening it's time to focus on other things in life!

Where my M stands today. H has been back in the M for over 6 years. I have to think about the timeline because I lose track of the years now. Triggers and resentments continue to fade into the background. Occasional memories come up and I note them and move forward. I never thought this could be possible the first couple years of piecing because I felt so emotionally triggered so often. So I maintain my belief that all wounds do heal in time.

Glad to hear things are still going well! Even though my XW and I did not reconcile our marriage, we have reconciled our relationship. Our wounds have also healed and we've found ourselves in a place of mutual love and respect even though we're no longer married or lovers. This past weekend she and the kids organized a surprise trip for me to Broken Bow, OK for my 60th birthday. We had an amazing time! We hiked, zip-lined, rode jet skis, spent the whole weekend as a family. Reconciling doesn't -have- to mean staying married. I've tried to explain that here, that "my way or the highway" isn't how things have to be.

Am I smitten or feel in love or in lust with him? Well, not like I was before all this! But thatís okay with me. I can also recognize I had an unhealthy love for him before BD for many years and perhaps even put him on a pedestal. And he was the nicest guy and super dad, but really, he didnít know how to state his needs and was a doormat at times that could not stand up to me. I was in turn impatient and frustrated or even controlling. And round and round we spun. That dynamic is no more.

We still have our disagreements and frustrations. Some dynamics are the same because we are the same people. We are also more self aware and more willing to compromise and change. I think that might be the key to a relationship lasting. Both people have to learn to be more flexible and own their issues. I am still a work in progress and will always be.

I see so much conversations on what is a deal breaker for people and they seem to be these things one can measure ó a PA, some amount of EAs, ďabuseĒ (which people also define differently), moving out of the house, some amount of time separated, filing for D, etc, etc. Donít we all have some bottom line when we enter a M? We all do! But let me tell you what happens when your spouse starts crossing those lines. Your perspective starts to shift as you go through the motions of it. As you both move forward, your actions, reactions and thus positions on said bottom lines will and do change! So stating ďonce this happens the M is overĒ is short sighted and ignorant. You do not know how you will feel until is actually happens! So please do not limit yourself or judge others. Because as a person that had a laundry list of bottom lines that got violated, I was forced to remeasure every value I had over and over again! But you know what? Itís been so many years now and my M works. It has nothing to do with our bottom lines or the betrayal we both committed. It works because we both choose to be here each day and make it work. Thatís all folks. Step into a more open minded way of thinking and you will find more benefits.

Very well said! And you didn't think you had anything to add to the boards smile

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57