Omg thank you all so much for responding!!!! I probably blew you guys up with so many posts in so many different places🙈. I was trying to be short and simple but wow do I have so much to say and ask!
So here goes- I have been married for 18 years and I have 2 very active teenage children. My husband and I are both 40. The kids are great! I have them 95 percent of the time. We’ve actually never had an argument over the kids. We didn’t want to disrupt their lives so we deal with our own misery and the better we handle it then the less it effects them. We felt it was better for them to stay in their home and not be disrupted. I’ve been a stay at home mom all their lives and done the majority of the parenting anyway so it’s been a little different for them but very minimal. I preach to them their dad is a superhero and he preaches to them that I am Wonder Woman so we’re still very encouraging with each other. I would like to think were both very good parents despite our hardships. We are still a family unit when it comes to the kids. In may of 2018 my husband just stopped coming home at night. He would drag in about 3 or 4am with no explanation what so ever. In the beginning I was confused but not overly concerned. He’s always been a bit of a wild child and boundary pusher. Entire situation escalated and by October I started checking phone record and I hired a PI. Found out nothing much of real importance “except” he was saying at the bar til 2am with his secretary. Phone records show an abundance of texts to her and it all spiraled in October 2018. I told him either she went or he went and he left. He was unhappy at home long before the EA began with her. She isn’t the cause, she isn’t the effect. She is young, she is fun, and she wants to drink at the bar with him every night, why not? I had rules, obligations, and priorities. She was everything that I wasn’t. By the time I realized there was an issue it was too far gone. Maybe I’m naive and I’m not convinced that it’s just an EA but that’s my opinion on it. Nothing surprises me at this point tho! First year gone I did everything wrong! I begged, pleaded, and bargained with the devil basically. Oh and did he hate me. He was rebellious, blamed everything on me, and he completely detached. About a year into it I read an article randomly about an MLC and it was mind blowing to me. It really opened my eyes and I began doing a lot of research on it. I think I’ve read very article on this forum, twice!! It was my life word for word! With each stage I came to this forum and creeped insight on how to handle situations and gather guidance. I started detaching (but still remaining somewhat attached) after the first year or so and started handling the spewing a bit differently. Things started slowly to get better. There has never been a time through the crisis that he has completely cut off communication. When I began detaching then he opened the lines of communication. It was slow progress in the beginning. Maybe a text or two a day but for the last 8 months or so he has sent up to 50-100 texts a day sometimes. I noticed in mid October his depression was extreme!!! To the point of crying when he drove up to the house for no reason at all. He poured himself into work, spent a lot of time alone, and drinking. By December and January I started noticing him coming around more often, a genuine smile, he started back doing more activities with the kids, becoming more calm when I’m around, actually making commitments that he said he would, he was actually trying for the first time in 2 1/2 years. Our conversations have become better. He is opening up to me more. In an odd way he tells me where he is and what he’s doing and who he is with. We still do not speak of our relationship though. I dropped that convo when I detached. It’s not been brought up since. In the beginning he would always say to me “I don’t know how to fix it. I love you and only you. It’s always been you”. He opens up to me when he’s been drinking and tells me things like he’s embarrassed of his life and he could have anything but has nothing. I also know he blames me for his life’s problems. He got drunk a few months ago and texted me “I love you and I wanna be with you”. I’ve not mentioned it since to him. He doesn’t want me to think that soberly! That’s the first time since he left that he’s said one positive thing to me about returning. I do feel like there’s forward movement and consistent but sometimes I think is there really a chance after 3 years?? I’m healing a lot so if I am then how does he feel? I’m to a point where I expect the worst but hope for the best.
