My first thread! I’m not sure how this all works. I feel like I’ve been apart of this group for almost two years. I’m a lurker! However, this may be my first post but this forum has helped in my journey tremendously and I am beyond grateful. It took me so long to post because honestly I didn’t really think a MLC was real nor did I believe my spouse was old enough to actually be in the middle of one. It took a lot of convincing for me to realize it, address it, and you all have given me the insight to work with it. Now with all of that said I have an extra long story but I am very confused on where my spouses stage actually is and I need guidance to see it through. My spouse is nearing the end (I know everyone thinks that) and trust me I did everything wrong in the beginning but there’s a change. There’s a kindness in his voice, calmness with stability, a smile on his face occasionally, lots of communication, he’s beginning to enjoy leisure activities, and he is beginning to return to the man I once knew. There is still separation, secrets, lots of drinking, times of anger, depression is still there some, and short times of withdrawing from me. This change in him happened around December 2020 and after major major depression. There is no relationship talk (we do better without that) but I feel like we’re progressing. Can anyone tell me if this is the beginning of the end of the crisis? Can you tell me if I can be doing anything more to progress it? Can you tell me if I am remaining in the friend zone if I don’t encourage relationship talk? It’s been 3 years in October, has it been too long for reconciliation? So many questions?
Hi Navarro, welcome to posting on the forum (since you've been here lurking for so long).
I'll try to answer your questions:
"Can anyone tell me if this is the beginning of the end of the crisis?" No. No one can tell you that. What we can tell you is that these kinds of situations can last a few months, up to a few years. Every sitch is different. More than likely if you injected your WAS with truth serum he couldn't even tell you if it is the beginning or the end.
"Can you tell me if I can be doing anything more to progress it?" No. It will go at its own pace. What you can be doing is things to progress yourself. That is what DB is all about. Progressing you. Sometimes the MR comes along for the ride. Some people call this "cookie cutter" advice. I call it simplifying a more complex process so a new LBS can understand it at a high-level. GAL. 180s (self-improvements). Detachment. Becoming a spouse that only a fool would leave! One of the best pieces advice I got in my sitch was too take the focus off of my W and onto me!
"Can you tell me if I am remaining in the friend zone if I don’t encourage relationship talk?" One of the first rules of DBing is: Do not start R talks. Avoid them at all costs. If he starts one, listen and validate, and end it as soon as possible. If he starts wanting to work on the MR you will know it and then an R talk can be had. But not until he starts wanting to work on the MR.
"It’s been 3 years in October, has it been too long for reconciliation?" NO! We've seen reconciliations after a D, and several years afterward. It is never too late until YOU decide it is. Many LBSs, once they've moved forward with their lives, see going back to an R with the X is a huge step back.
"So many questions?" We all had them! Ask away!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
