WAW willing to try, for now (#2)

[BL42]

CWarrior,

BL42's wife IMHO is more WAS than WW. She indicated she was done and wanted a divorce--THEN bought lacy underwear and went onto Bumble. She was actively pushing the D. She ended a relationship that wasn't working. A nuance here is a WAS often has less to be remorseful about than a WW, sometimes less than the LBS.

Not sure it changes anything for mako, but believe you've mixed up stories. For me BD was two weeks after a nice family vacation with the kids and I immediately found out there was at least an EA and possibly PA, then confirmed a PA, and (now) Ex-W went on to OM2 before moving out and filing for D. Don't believe she was ever on Bumble - I was referring to mako's W in that he knew she was doing online dating and had finalized an agreement but his W backed off filing and putting the house on the market, and at least claimed to stop using dating apps.

Completely agree on both parties need to want R and put in the work though. I just get the sense mako's W while backing off the D a bit (and possibly the dating) isn't necessarily "all-in" either on putting in the work for R. The concern this forum typically has is she just might be biding her time until finding a new option rather than actually want to R.

IMO any time there is a reconciliation the WWs needs to EARN another chance with the LBS. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having....I do not envy MAKO because you are in a really tough spot right now.

You are at a point in the process that is very similar to dating a new person. As the man, embrace your role to lead.

Covid is opening up things. I went and saw live music this past weekend. If I was in your shoes, I would find something that would be light and fun with food and music. Someplace you could go by yourself or with her. Plan on going by yourself, but make room for her to join. Have a sitter ready.

At some point, you can say something along the lines of this:

"I am planning on going to this place to see this band. If you would like to join me, I will arrange for a sitter."

Body language, tone, eye contact, flirting are all important during this.

It is a negotiation between two people.

I like R2C's idea of lining up some music, food, and fun (or whatever fits your interests) without expectations and be flirty and offer her to join. Worse case, you enjoy your night even if it's alone.

To LH's point, it should be her equally seeking out those things with you if she really wants to R. Until she's doing those things it isn't real.

Thanks LH and CW. I am thinking something small. Like BL said, it's kind of a no-win situation where no matter what I do it could be spun as a negative, but that's on her not on me. So I will do something little to acknowledge the day because I want to, but will not plan on anything more. Living and acting with no expectations right now.

That's the key - go out and fun fun regardless and if she joins you it's gravy.

So yeah, I am in limbo, either until she decides what she wants to do or until I decide I'm tired of waiting.

Limbo is difficult. Because you want the marriage to work and don't want the family to break up you can't pull the chord while she's half in.

Like you said it stops the bleeding, stops the race toward D, and gives us some time to see if this is going to work. I am interested in this working out if all possible, there are a number of advantages to not divorcing that really have nothing to do with her personally. My family stays together, I don't have to split time with my kids, I don't have to move, I don't lose a huge percentage of my savings, I don't have $2000+ monthly child support for the next 14 years. And you know, I married her for a reason, I like her, we get along, I like spending time with her.

Completely hear you on not having to split time with the kids - that is a plus. And trust me, I empathize with you on the monthly child support...it's the next 15-18 years for me! Not a fun check to write.

At the same time limbo isn't really positive, it's just neutral and I don't want to stay here forever, so if she isn't going to take some steps to improve things then that tells me she isn't serious about this, and that causes me to like her less, and it simply isn't going to work.

Yep. The longer she waits to actually start trying (if she ever does) the more you'll get bitter and the less you'll want to.