https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2919264#Post2919264

Originally Posted by BL42
There have been significant developments in the month since my last substantive update...

The financial negotiations ramped up ahead of our trial date. It seems no one (judge, lawyers, plaintiff, or defendant) actually wants a trial. Negotiations were a major stressor between caring for the kids, focusing on a major work assignment, and reviewing the two dozen page documents and back/forth of negotiations...it was a lot. Also, I'm meticulous and was analyzing everything and hoping in my head things closed out my way. However, the open issues to address at that point were narrow and it was in everyone's interest to come to an agreement and avoid trial.

In the end, although I never wanted divorce and my family to break up, I faired very favorably in the agreement...

  • Custody - Most importantly, 50/50 custody with no primary residence and successfully negotiated a "right of first refusal" so that the kids can't be dumped off to non-family members without the me having a chance to be with them instead. In practical terms this applies to the nights and I see my children significantly more than her due to before/after school and every Friday (regardless of who's week it is) as well as vacations over her time.
  • Spousal Support - Waived. She was entitled to some, but based on the relatively short (7 years) of marriage and both of us having an income it wouldn't have been substantial or long-running.
  • Child Support - Unfortunately our state is very unfair to me, but the law is the law. Despite having 50% nights and my caring for the the kids significantly more during the days, I have to pay her a consequential amount for the next 15-18 years, simply because I earn more. However, we did get a deviation from the presumptive amount, and my attorney says I got a "good deal", at least based on current law.
  • Financial Assets - I'm coming out with roughly 85% of the assets. Fortunately for me we reside in an "equitable" not "equal" distribution state. I proved a significant amount of pre-martial assets (which are taken off the top before the rest is split) whereas she was in debt...so I leave with most of the money. She got a slightly better deal on her car and house, but I won big-time on valuation of my house, last year's taxes, 401k, bank accounts...etc. Feeling confident my L and I crushed it in the negotiations (not sure if she even realizes it to be honest).

Emotionally the process was draining. I had a breakdown when reading over the settlement proposal for the first time. In the months prior I had been quite strong and loving life, but think the finality of it really hit me. Reading the document I started tearing up and went to the bedroom to lie down and cry. It was a cathartic release. Unfortunately I had to toughen up because it came no long before S6 needed to be picked up from school for the day. But definitely reflected on all the pain and destruction of W's affairs and the divorce process. It's sad. She must have such internal turmoil from her upbringing to cause all this pain to her husband and children. For my part, I'm just doing my best to work through it and move forward.

GAL - Started a 13-session religious-based separation/divorce support group program to discuss various topics (anger, depression, loneliness, dating, finances...etc.), so hopefully that'll be helpful, though my observation of the first week is that most folks are struggling more than me. I also started playing in an adult soccer league now with co-workers, which is good for GAL and exercise, though we're a bit older than some of the "kids" running around the field LOL. And of course still coaching S6's soccer and baseball teams. I'm also thinking of going back for my Master's degree online (starting one course in the Fall semester) as my employer will pay the cost, but want to make sure I can balance everything and keep the kids my priority. Also may tip my toes into the dating pool this Summer.

In terms of the actual legal process, we're not technically divorced yet. We both signed the settlement agreement, the judge cancelled the trial, and W's attorney filed the paperwork today. Next step is for the judge to review everything and sign off. That will probably be in the next week or two. At that point I will be officially divorced.

Of course we'll still 18 more years of child rearing to navigate together...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712