The reason that MWD's core DB-ing basic advice remains detach, GAL, and 180s is that it works. Maybe it works to lead to reconciliation. Maybe it just leads to a better you. That is the philosophy of this board. So I find it kind of odd that LH wants to keep calling it cookie cutter and force Mako to give his W an ultimatum, which I'm fairly certain will lead towards D. LH, I wasn't trying to be rude by saying you should head over to the chump lady's board. I think she is fabulous. The reason I say that is her philosophy aligns very closely with yours and you'll be with your people there, rather than continuing to trash the core tenets of the founder of this website.
I agree with WF and Steve85 on this. Mako, if you want out, go. If you want to give your M a chance, focus on you and release all pressure on her. Let go of CARING about all the back and forth of what to do and not to do, where her head is or isn't. Detach! Spend all that extra energy you were expending worrying about her on things that feed your soul (GAL!) Take a hard look at your own behaviors and change up your ingrained responses to external stimuli, whether from your W or your child or something else. (180s!)
I think where LH is off base here is that somehow by your W saying the words that she wants to reconcile (while deathly ill) that means it is what she knows she wants 100%. (or, more likely, he knows she isn't and so by pushing her on this she'll tell you she's not and that frees you to dump her.) It seems to me from what you've posted here that she isn't wholly in. Maybe she wants to be, but she's still confused. Pushing her on anything from physical contact to MC is just going to push her out the door. (Or, she'll say the words she knows you want to hear, but she won't really be there.) Patience is the name of the game here.
LH feels like all you are doing is kicking the can down the road by not confronting her now and making her say all in or all out. What Steve and WF are saying (and I agree) is that the DBing principles are not a waste of time, regardless of whether you practice them with her in the house or on your way to a merry D. I think LH can't conceive of DB-ing while living with your spouse, and I agree that it isn't for everyone. But I did it and so did Steve and WF, so it is clearly possible. Not easy. But possible.
For me, I wanted to be able to know in my bones that I did everything I could to save my M for my children and I used that to fuel my ability to be patient. Again, this isn't for everyone. It was awful and $hitty and you can read my thread if you want to know how much it $ucked. But I decided early on that the most important thing for me, looking back at this time in my life, is that I didn't have any regrets, and so I tried to do everything I could from the perspective of looking back. Maybe you worry that your biggest regret will be that you didn't move on sooner! if that is the case, then go! Everyone is different. You need to think about what your core values are, how you want them represented in your life, and what that means for the choices you make today.
I also hit a point where I wasn't okay with waiting anymore, and that is when we went to discernment counseling. So that could also be an option for you. However, reading your words, I don't sense that you're at that point-- but that is something for you to consider as well.
I will tell you from my own experience, just having your spouse say they're committed DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE. I absolutely 1000% agree with Steve that once your spouse says that to you, you need to double down on DBing, not let up. I think it would be a huge mistake to start an R talk now and make your W say she's all in, MC, IC, till death do us part again, or you're walking (unless you want to walk and just want an excuse to have given her a last chance).I just don't see that getting you anywhere. But just my two cents.
Mako I will differ to May as she went to an IVY league school and her opinion is smarter and better then everyone else.
Bottom line is you should only want to be with someone who wants to be with you.
