Doing nothing is doing something. It's an active choice to live your life while you let the other person spin, alone. You can't be bombed twice if you don't care. Not saying much and watching things play out isn't a lack of consequences. Nor is it status quo. Yes it's limbo, but no it's not at the detriment of the LBS if they are working on themselves. Only the relationship is standing still, the LBS doesn't have to be.

My doing nothing involved me retaining a lawyer, having legal separation papers drawn up. Splitting our finances. Working out a post split budget. Window shopping for things I would need once H and his D left. Working on reconnecting with people, furthering my education, working out, lots of therapy to work on lots of things. I held out hope that H would wake up. I got lucky. He did, but I was preparing myself for things not to work out the way I wanted. Because that was the reality of the situation. It could've gone either way. I don't think it's ever a good idea to try to shock a Wayward or Walkaway into anything. It's manipulative and highly unlikely that it will do anything if they already have a foot out the door. I'm sure for a percentage leading in the race to end things scares them straight, but it wasn't worth my personal time to play that kind of a game. By all means if you're done be done, keep moving forward with the D, but for me personally, I don't like idea of playing this like it's a game of chess. Pre DB and post DB I have the attitude that I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, you want to leave, then leave, you want to stay, then stay. That's your decision.

Sandi while I adore her and she has gobs of wisdom isn't the end all be all of of WW. The concept that all Waywards or Walkaways are exactly the same, share all the same feelings, have the same thoughts, and will act or react identically is silly. Not all LBS are the same either, in crisis yes, but on the other side of crisis so much is so different for each of us. Other than the very basic DBing principles the choices and journey here need to be of the LBS's choosing. There are MLC LBSs that have been "doing nothing" for years. Years. Was that for me? Nope, but if I had been married 20+ years I don't know who I would be, or the choices I would make in that situation. I wasn't so I picked 1 year as a drop dead date. I also didn't see a PA as an absolute line in the sand. For some LBSs that's a hard line. I get that, but that's not for me, so I had to be free to choose what I was willing to continue my MR through. I was willing to suffer through an IHS where my H was actively having a very public affair. But that was my choice. That is not a path everyone is built for. The purpose of the varying advice and opinions is because of those differences some advice will be useful some won't. One of Sandi's biggest rules is take what works for you leave what doesn't.

Lastly, You aren't beholden to your IC. And any IC who is pushing MC for a spouse who's on the fence isn't a very good IC. You want and end to the confusion I'd suggest discernment counseling. MC if she's still undecided will just fast track you guys to D with absolutely none of your questions answered or confusion clarified. MC is a giant magnifying glass on the cracks in your relationship. That's why most recommendations are to stay away from it until both parties are committed to the relationship. You'll gain communication skills and learn things about your spouse that will create moments of deep emotional intimacy but that is laced with that magnifying glass. Two people who aren't fully committed to the relationship with certainty will imploded in MC.

Last edited by wayfarer; 05/19/21 03:32 PM.