I appreciate all of this back and forth. There is a lot of good advice in this thread and I thank you all, not just those I am directly quoting or responding to. I see merit to what everybody is saying.
Originally Posted by may22
Here's my recommendation-- give all the worrying about IC and MC, worrying about whether to touch her or not, etc. a break for a period of time, like at least a month or two, then re-evaluate. Spend that time to continue to just focus on you and DBingÖ.
I don't think you can consider yourself in piecing until she's telling you she's IN and wants to do the hard work. MC until then, as others have said, is pointless.
One negative in my sitch is that I'm starting to get a bit mentally drained. I know that 3 months is not really a long time in the grand scheme of these things, everyone here has gone way longer, but Iím tired of trying to analyze everything and be on all the time. Iíve been whipped around a bit and was even pretty much done and prepared to move on, which to some extent seemed easier than where I am now. A month ago I was more relaxed and at peace, lately Iíve been much more stressed.
[I donít mean to belittle what has happened, and Iím sure a lot of LBS would love to be where I am now, but it is just a different place than a month ago with its own difficulties.]
Anyway, all thatís to say that Mayís first sentence up there is pretty compelling. I think I need to just take a break where I continue to work on myself but stop worrying about all the rest so much for a little bit. This is just more DBing and less pretending that we are piecing or Ríing or whatever you might call it. The past month I have gotten more neurotically analytical and worrying more about her than me. Whatever the correct road is here, I donít think thatís it and I need to quit it. Getting into R talks and thinking about how to see if she wants to do MC is not going to let me quit it. I donít think two months is going to be necessary but two weeks might be. Not meaning a break from this board, just from overanalyzing the sitch in my head all the time.
I know this leads into what LH has been saying. That this is just going back into limbo and pretending like nothing happened with no consequences. Sure, waiting lets her off the hook and keeps the limbo for now; I just need to make sure 2 weeks doesn't become 6 months. I know that he is right too when he says that she canít just say sheís in, she has to prove it. But LH seems to think she should know right now, and I don't think that's necessarily true. I think it's all going to ebb and flow, more like wayfarer is talking about with feeling out and dating almost a new person. Anyway, waiting and still working on me at least is moving me forward, in a way that I wasnít prior to BD, so it is something, and lets me clear my head for the next phase of this.
I think that it is the case that I am going to bring up MC at some point. Iíd rather not wait, knowing this is a deal breaker, then drop a bomb if she never happens to bring it up. If I donít make clear that itís necessary to me she wonít know that, and donít all LBS wish the WAS would have said more prior to BD? I can make my feelings known without it being a controlling or forceful way, so it is still on her. I also think LH has a good argument that if we just go back to how it was before BD itís just going to happen again. At the same time I recognize that if sheís not into MC it will be pointless, but if thatís the case, then thatís the case.
For whatever itís worth, my IC is more in line with LHís opinion, that I should try to get her into MC sooner rather than later, as Iím just going around confused most of the time and we need to communicate more, which MC will facilitate. Maybe once my 2 week break is over Iíll have a better feel for whether this will push her away. Ultimately, I would hope that I know her well enough to see if this is going to be a productive thing or not.
I also think I should address this, because perhaps some advice from some people will be different depending on what has actually happened:
Originally Posted by R2C
Where are your core values in all of this? Has she had sex with someone else? If so, has she expressed regret? Is she actively having sex with someone else? What behavior have you, or do you, or should you show when dealing with these type of disrespectful behaviors?
She opened her bumble account the day we separated and she left the house, which was a few weeks after BD. She has said that she went out with a couple guys but did no more than talk to them. When she said she wanted to work on the M she also said she deleted the app and told them she was getting back with me and done. I have no reason not to believe her on any of this. Yes there was new underwear, but Iím not going to assume anything based only on that. These things do not particularly bother me very much at this point (if it turns out she was lying to me that will bother me, possibly more than whatever happened). I could be naive, but to me going on a few dates after separation, while we are actively planning a D, is different than doing so prior to BD.
Anyway, you all can feel free to continue arguing on this thread if you like I am gaining something from it.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021