Mako, I am not sure if all of this back and forth is helping you or not. The bottom line is that it is up to YOU to decide when to pull the plug and stop waiting for her to come around. I stand by the fact that a mere 3 months after BD is way too early. Most of these situations took years to go into, they do not turn around in weeks.
When in doubt, go back to solid DB principles:
- DO not start R talks - Remove all pressure and pursuit - Get a life! (You've admitted to not doing this very well!) - Continue to self-improve, 180 on bad behaviors (just resist the temptation to use 180ing as an excuse to break the other DB principles!) - Continue to work on loving detachment
I would always go back to Cadet's welcome message and start reading whenever I got conflicting advice on my thread. It happens. We have a lot of perspectives on this board. We have the dump and run folks. We have the wait forever folks. We have a lot of folks in between! But remember this is not a site with any poster's name on it, this is Michele Wiener-Davis forum, so when in doubt go back to the source. MWD helped me immensely in my situation, not only on what I should or shouldn't be doing, but also on learning to empathize with what my WW was going through. No one, not even a WW, wakes up in the morning and thinks: "Hmmmmm, what can I do today to destroy as many lives as possible?"
Nope, the WW is fueled by selfishness (which results in destroying lives) and emotion. There isn't a lot of intent involved, though sometimes there is since most WW feel hurt by their LBH. But in the majority of the cases the WW is simply trying to do things to find her own happiness again. That was one of the best pieces of insight that I received in my own sitch was that my WW wasn't doing what she was doing to hurt me, she was doing what she was doing in order to try to be happy.
So mako, we are here to support you. Some posters are more confrontational with other posters that they disagree with than others. I don't agree with that tactic because it results in unhelpful back-and-forths in a LBS's thread where all they want is support and advice. So when that happens, default to Cadet's welcome message. Pick up Divorce Remedy and read it again. Go back to the basics of DBing.
3 months is a drop in the bucket for these sitches. We've seen WASs/WSs change their mind about wanting to R or wanting to D over several months. What I can tell you is to reiterate what CW said above, if they show signs of coming back and you force them to choose at that exact moment, more than likely they will choose to continue to move for D. Some of the best advice I got when my WW started to show signs that she was moving back to the MR (and it wasn't her words, in fact the words "I want to try to save the MR never came from her lip!"), was to take things slow and easy. A few of the veterans here at the time actually told me "When the WW starts to show signs of coming around, that is the time to double down on DBing, not to start pressuring and pursuing!" Some really good advice.
So take your time. Be patient. Adhere to solid DB principles. And when in doubt go back to MWD's own words and teachings for what you should be doing!
You've got this Mako! Hang in there, believe it or not things will get better no matter what ends up happening.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018