I did not even realize it but yesterday, August 25, 2011 marked 2 years to the date that I kicked my W out of the house in a fit of rage, anger and frustration. The cops came as I was throwing her clothes in trashbags out the front door onto the front lawn. What a scene it was!!!!
I found myself on the rollercoaster of emotions after the bomb drop and the discovery of her affair just 2 months prior and her statement that our marriage was over sent me over the edge.
When I look back at that time, I can remember the emotions and the events and the words spoken as if they were yesterday. However they are far behind me and I am a totally different person today.
I no longer mark the anniversary of her meeting the OM, the date of her PA, the date of the bomb, the date I found out about the affair......none of it......my life is too busy and too full of other things that matter to ME now.
For those who don't know, I filed for divorce and it became final on February 11, 2011. I stood for my marriage for a long time........
This morning, I was leaving for work and realized I had not checked the mail from yesterday.
In the mailbox was two hand addressed letters.
One addressed to ME, the other addressed to my D14.
(D14 does not see, nor talk, nor has any communication with her mother. My D14 has had her share of struggles with all this. She is on AD's and sleeping pills, and goes to a Therapist every other week, and spent 10 days in the hospital recently for thoughts of suicide.......My D14 is actually doing very well considering all she has been through.)
I sat in my car this morning and openned my letter........
I am truly sorry.
I made some really bad decisions not realizing what the cost was going to be.
I honestly was not in my right mind.
I never intended to hurt anybody, and I know I did.
If I could take it all back I would. I never intended to tear the family apart.
With all my heart.
As I read in so many threads here I see that we the LBS's always wonder if the MLCer/WAS realizes what they did. I would say that it is the one question that really gets to the crux of the matter.
"DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU DID OR ARE DOING????"
I will say that was the question I had and still had unanswered until this morning. It is the one question my D14 has too.
I can tell you that I have envisioned what that moment might look like when my XW would "wake up" one day. I accepted that it may never happen, and I was okay with it.
It came today, and it was not as I had thought it would be.....and more importantly it did not stir the emotion in me that I thought that it would have if it ever came.
I guess I had let go of the "expectation" that one day she would communicate to me that she "got it". I guess when I let go of that I was able to let go of the "shell of a marriage" I was holding onto.
My life is Happy now. I try daily to make myself a better MAN, FATHER and FRIEND. I do not feel that I am missing anything, I don't feel like a victim, I don't feel sad for what has happened.........it happened and I am dealing with it just as I deal with anything else in my life.
I have learned to press forward in my life and live with the things that I cannot change......I accept those things that I have no control over and deal with them accordingly.
One of the things I cannot change in my LIFE is........
I LOVE MY XW.
Always will............I accept it.
I am not ruled by my Love for my W just as I am not ruled by my anger either.
Actions taken out of emotions without thought are usually not good and often times can be destructive.........
even if those emotions are emotions of LOVE.
This is how we can get ourselves into codependent relationships.
I was talking to a close friend from the boards, just 2 days ago about how I interact with my XW.
I don’t act true to myself when I interact with my XW. I am a very friendly person, I will pretty much talk to the wall……THAT IS WHO I AM.
When I interact with my XW I am cordial and nice but I do not initiate small talk……I will respond to idle chit chat but I do not start it…..also I really don’t look at her in the face that much. I will do things for her that I would do for any other friend but I just am not “friendly” with her.
The reason I do this is not to get a reaction out of her but rather to protect me.
I have put my Love for her in a box down inside. I know it is there and I do not mess with it. I have managed to carry on my life and even have found that I can love someone else while I still have this box of love for my XW down inside me.
I accept it, and I have learned to live with it.
Part of living with it is not disturbing the box…….as I told my friend I do not want to stir any of the feelings for my XW…….I know there is pain there and I have learned to stay away from that pain.
I have touched the stove too many times…….I know better.
The way I act with my XW now is as automatic as breathing, I do not control it. The way I interact with her is an automatic response.
The reason for all that explanation is that I am not sure how I want to respond to her apology, which is still somewhat self-serving IMO.
I want to acknowledge that she sent it, I want to thank her for it and acknowledge that it was probably hard for her to do. At minimum I think that will be my response……..I am interested in what others may have to say.
The thing I am pondering is do I go a little further……..do I engage her……meaning do I ask her “what was it that brought her to this”.
Do I want to hear that?
Do I want to lower the wall?
I am so used to the way I interact with her that to do otherwise would be “un-natural” at this point…….I feel I may risk pain for myself. I have gotten real good at protecting myself.
I will take my time on this for sure.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712