Here's my recommendation-- give all the worrying about IC and MC, worrying about whether to touch her or not, etc. a break for a period of time, like at least a month or two, then re-evaluate. Spend that time to continue to just focus on you and DBing. Be kind, be positive, GAL as much as possible, keep a PMA around her at all times. When you're with her, be present, make good eye contact, listen and validate and all the rest, then go and do your own thing. I think you're still in the DB-ing phase. Focus on being the best dad you can possibly be. She's shown interest but she isn't all in, so keep doing what was working-- DB-ing.

I don't think you can consider yourself in piecing until she's telling you she's IN and wants to do the hard work. MC until then, as others have said, is pointless.

Originally Posted by LH19
For the record Iím not in the consensus. I donít agree you just play it out until next February and then D her. Right now she has zero incentive to work on the marriage so must likely she wonít. WWs do not magically find their way back to their spouses.

I agree with LH that WWs don't magically find their way back to their spouses. However, I only agree with LH here if you were just sitting around pretending things were fine till next Feb and then dropping your own bomb. If you follow MWD's recommendations and continue to DB that whole time, it is entirely possible that she will come around.

Also, you have zero control over what she thinks or does. You can't wish her into desiring MC or you. All you can control is yourself. So spend the time focusing on the DB principles and she may eventually want back in. If she doesn't, you're still better off anyway as you spent the time working positively on yourself.

I did discernment therapy and think it was helpful in my sitch but mostly because I was not okay with continuing the status quo as it was. From my read of your sitch, I doubt that you'd get a positive outcome pushing either MC or DC at this point, but that's just me. My recommendation is to be patient and keep on DBing for awhile first.

Hang in there! Hug your kids!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing