Originally Posted by mako
Not much happened this weekend. Two of the kids didn’t feel that good so we didn’t do much. I did some work around the house. W got a negative covid test so she can go back to work (mostly working at home but has to go in once in a while).

W and I have still been getting along fine. I had been taking things quite slowly and was actually wondering if I was going too slow. Then this morning I cuddled with her in bed, which is something I had been doing lately, and she said “I’m not ready for cuddling this makes me uncomfortable.” So I said “That’s ok, you just have to tell me these things.” There’s my answer to whether I’m going to slow or not.

Anyway, I don’t really know what to make of all that, but I guess I need to keep taking it slow. She is definitely still treating me better than pre-BD, so she is in a positive place somewhat, but maybe she doesn’t really know what she wants. I will perhaps still try the more subtle charges and see how that goes. I also have to remind myself that it took a long time to get here, it will take a long time to get through.

I haven’t been doing a lot of GAL lately, but I’m going out tomorrow and probably Thursday so that’s good. I probably need to get back into DBing mode.


Interesting update. mako, we do get quite a few sitches here where due to some issue (in your case the COVID stuff) the WAS starts to hedge a bit. LBS sees this as a sign that things are improving and goes too far in trying to move things along. Thus you get what happened with the attempt at cuddling.

This is why I suggested talk charges and SUBTLE touch charges. Cuddling with her in bed is not subtle. Think about it, you are both in your bed clothes, and your bodies are very close together. This results in expectations on your part ("maybe this will lead to sex!") and pressure on her part ("uh oh, I've sent him some messages lately suggesting I might stick around, now he is trying this!"). Neither of those two things are in your best interest. Expectations on your end, pressure on her end. That will always set you up for failure.

Whenever a LBS starts thinking "am I taking this too slow" I would argue that you should bring that question to the forum! Why? Because usually the problem is that you are getting impatient with the progress and are tempted to try an jump start it. Really the question is ALWAYS, in sitches like yours, are you taking it slow enough? Think about it, as soon as she starts showing signs that she wasn't running for the exits, you were in the starting block waiting for the gun to go off so you could go full tilt!

WASs are like cats. If you sit quietly and let them come to you, sometimes they will choose to do that. The minute you reach out to them they run the other way. That is what happened here. She took a couple of steps towards you. Instead of sitting still and quiet, you reached out to her. Her reflex was to run the other way.

I would back off of all touching for now. See how things go. In a couple of weeks if she starts to move back then you can go back to the subtle touch charges. Right now she is hypersensitive to any and all touching, so do not exacerbate that.

Go strictly with the talk charges. Make it a goal of once a day, finding a small thing, 30 seconds to a minute, to share with her. Expect no response. In fact, do not even let her respond. If she is in the kitchen pop in and say "Hey, I just hear on the radio that we are expecting a hotter than usual summer. Thought it was interesting." Then walk away. Like I said before, the talk charges did more to reconnect us than touch charges, or overt touching, ever could.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018