DB board, things are going excellent currently. I could write a book catching up from my last post. I'll leave it shorter.
Anyone whom followed me from early on could see I got rocked by the BD. It seemed like the end of my world and in some ways, it was. In first trying to save the M, then more recently save my self, I opened up my mind to all kinds of information, thoughts, ideas and influences that I would've likely rejected in the past. My posting volume here dropped as I went down paths going in to not just my role and my Ex's role (yes, officially D'd now) in the breakdown of the marriage. I've looked at religion, politics and culture's influence as well. I don't plan on going deep in to those and I'm sure most here would agree this isn't the place for the other topics.
I came to a feeling that society itself is degrading, rapidly. I've been preparing myself for this as well as partaking elsewhere on the net, hoping to slow the decay, helping others. I really appreciate those that have helped me here on these boards and I enjoyed chiming in on others sitches. Now....I think I'm too biased to help others here on a marriage saving site. I am thankful for my D and I don't want to influence others in to D'ing. I think my purpose is to spend time helping elsewhere before people make it to these boards. For this, I'm a bit ashamed as I was helped so much here, I really feel I owe it back to the boards. If I do spend more time here, I have to get out of this bias I'm in first.
As I mentioned, I'm officially D'd. The freedom tastes good. Never thought I'd say that. I made out ok. Back in debt on a new place which I close on shortly which is a pretty short drive away. I managed to stay in an area in which the school will take the kids to both homes. Currently, ExW, I and the kids still live together. The kids don't know about the D yet. Once my name is off the mortgage and a few retaining things from the settlement are over, I'll be untied and later free in my new place.
My Ex's passive abuse has reared it's head a few times but thankfully she is not the worst the boards have seen. I call it abuse because it is legit abuse at times, there is intent. I see through it now.
I'm left a bit jaded. I have zero intention to ever recon. I have zero intention to ever marry again. If women weren't so beautiful I could be fine just living out my days with myself and the kids 50 percent of the time. Alas I currently have little interest in dating or even one night stands. The chances of STDs, the cost, the high expectations of it all...I'd just rather spend time with the kids and work towards my goals.
I've lurked a bit and see life is going well for those off the rollercoaster part. I'm happy to see things working out and that the board continues to help the us tormented individuals seeking relief.
If I could change anything about the whole process, I would've listened to LH, Steve, Ginger and other vets more in terms of just having more respect and love for myself. I would've also handled finances differently. I should've at least filed earlier on, even if I didn't have ExW served, as I would've saved quite a bit more $ for the kids and I. I'll be house poor for awhile but I'm working on secondary income once I'm living solo.
My D5 and S2 are just incredible little people right now. They are loving with each other and their mom and Dad. They play well together and I experience much happiness interacting with them as they grow, learn and bond. As my anxieties over the D and the world have diminished, I've been putting my time in to the kids. I know I won't ever regret putting things aside and devoting more to them during their magical years.
I'm happy. I think D was the right choice as much as I disagree with divorce. I hate the word, I hate that it exists however my marriage was already over when I was BD'd and so it had to be done. I have so much life to look forward to still and I'll have much less puts downs, invalidation, nags and negativity as my journey in life 2.0 with two little ones begins.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated