Originally Posted by ScottyB
And I'll ask a question I would assume to know that answer to, because I've learned not to assume -- How do I deal with the feeling of the loss of control?
Originally Posted by may22

You have to accept it as reality. The feeling of control you had before was an illusion. You control you. Focus on that which is within your control, and let go of that which is not.

This was the hardest thing for me to accept. And releasing control is an ongoing practice for me (at least for now), not a state I reached and never looked back. One thing that really helped me that I learned about here is the Daily Stoic videos-- the one that really spoke to me for whatever reason is the one he did for pro sports athletes called "you control how you play"-- somehow that really helped me to understand. You don't control the weather, or your teammates, or the fans, or what they say about you on Twitter. You control how you play the game. That's it.

In the LBS sitch, you don't control your S. The decision to be M or stay M is not something you can make happen on your own. Both parties have to want it. Another quote I found and liked was you can't clap with one hand. Whatever you can grab onto that helps you to let go of the illusion of control over your S and M and focus on that which is within your control, the better you'll do... because you'll see you ARE in control. Of yourself. And you have your whole life in front of you, to take and live, and grab happiness with both hands. You can't do that if you're fretting about things that you can't control. It is what it is.

And if the distance you've gained so far is helping you to see that your R with your spouse was toxic... then onward, man. You know what to do. This is a journey and a practice, and it will get easier and easier. The more you focus on things within your control, the more control you'll feel-- because you ARE taking control of your own life and not letting yourself get dragged around by someone else's crisis.

"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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