To make a long story short at the end my D says, when we pull up to dads house he turns the lights off and that it gives her anxiety. I just replied wow that is interesting. First, how can turning off the lights in the home when they are parked in the street and i let my S out to go with his mom cause anxiety and she doesn't feel comfortable. Literally word for word what her mom had said, keep in mind when my ex said this my D was in the waiting room. What are the chances my D said exactly the same thing as her mom. That shutting off the lights causes anxiety and makes her uncomfortable. This is the garbage I am dealing with.
I wonder if your ex-wife is actively coaching your D, or perhaps she gets uncomfortable when you turn all the lights off and her comments/reactions rub off on your D. Either way, not fun. It sounds like you're making a change! How did you respond to your D--defensively (asking if it were real), inquisitively (asking why it made her anxious), and/or re-assuringly (letting her know you'd change it for her)? How did she respond? I hope as messed up as this was, your interactions led to more closeness rather than more separation. Being apart from your D must be incredibly hard, and I love that you're working so hard to fix it. Stay strong!