Your STBXW is walking down the street at night and stops between two houses. From one house comes the sound of crying, wailing, and breaking glass. The other house seems to have a party going on and she can hear music and laughter and sounds of friendship. Which house does she want to enter?
If your life is full of warmth, laughter and friendship she won't be able to stay away, and even if she does, you won't miss her.
When you pursue someone, their response is to run. The more you pursue, the more they run. Think of it this way, pretend W wants 4 feet of space between the two of you. You move in a foot to three feet and it makes her uncomfortable, so she moves another foot away.
Do that for long enough and she will want 5 feet between you instead of 4, and then 6 instead of 5.
If, on the other hand, you go the other direction and give her 8 feet instead of the 4 feet she wants, then you make it "safe" for her to move 4 feet back toward you without feeling uncomfortable.
If you allow her to maintain her 4 feet and she gets comfortable, she may only need 3 feet, etc.
That's the point about pursuing and temp checking and why it makes everyone's situation worse.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712