Things I need help with and things I'm working through in IC.
1. The rage that comes from some of the memories I have of her and AP. (Going out on dates while I was still in the house, spending the night away knowing I was home and most likely crushed, graphic emails I saw of her praising their sex.) A big part of my anger here is at myself for not immediately walking away.
2. The mental anguish of trying to reconcile the woman I married and the person who my STBXW has proven herself to be.
3. Feeling extremely emasculated and ashamed. (stems from my wife's affair and the constant thought of feeling like I lost my wife to another man and he was somehow better than I was)
4. Reconciling my idea of love. ( previously : unconditional, selfless, all in.) (now: conditional, balanced, trust). This is somewhat saddening as I do believe the love I had for my wife was something I will never be able to give again. Which is probably a good thing. Although that love was so filling, natural and easy for me to give. I'm not saying I wont love again or claiming I've given up on love, Just that I don't think I will ever love someone the way I loved my STBXW.
5. Missing my wife, best friend and companion. Mourning and letting go of the dreams and future that went away with my marriage. ( Again see #2. I don't miss what was there, I miss what I thought our relationship and marriage were.)
6. Extreme illogical anxiety, feeling like I'm doing something wrong or feeling like my STBXW knows how much im struggling and sees me as weak. (This is illogical because I am completely NC with my wife and the only person I still talk to about the sitch are my parents.) Even though I know its illogical I cant shake the feeling.
All in all, I feel like I am struggling a lot and although some things are going okay my wife is constantly on my mind and I just want to erase it. I feel okay some days but other days I really struggle and I feel very disappointed in myself for being this broken even 7 months later. I feel so different as a person. I think I'm more driven, more disciplined and more educated in the area of relationships but i feel like I'm missing a part of myself or a part of me is broken and I'm trying to fix it. ( quick edit: I'm more driven and disciplined pertains to all other areas of life, not relationships. A new relationship is the last thing on my mind. )
Some things that are going well:
1. Continued IC. 2. Continued daily gym and steady diet (down to 8% body fat). 3. Received a promotion at work. (I've been working a lot of overtime). 4. Seeing friends and family multiple times a week. 5. Doing really well in school. 6.
I'm looking for some real advice here because I truly believe I am doing some of the right things but its been 7 months and my heart hurts a lot. Daily. I feel like part of me died along with my marriage.