Originally Posted by AnotherStander
You can't snap her out of the fog, but you CAN "keep the way home paved and smooth". What does that mean, well it means treat her with kindness and respect even when she doesn't do the same for you. It means let her go and go about your life while leaving the door open to a future with her.

Sometimes you'll hear folks here say to treat the WAS like you would a casual neighbor. You might chat with them but you're not going to share your innermost secrets, or spend hours and hours hanging out with them. You'll make some small talk and then excuse yourself to go do something else that is none of their business.

Don't shrug anything off. Listen and validate. "I hear you saying you feel I've been distant and ignoring you, I'm sorry I've made you feel this way, this is something I will work on." Giving her time and space doesn't mean shutting her out completely. It's fine to keep lines of communication open, and to be friendly and polite when you do talk. The whole "going dark" thing is really a last resort technique for people who are being abused by their WAS, or people that just cannot let go and detach. It's to save the LBS, not the M.

Again, don't turn it into an R talk, just listen and validate. "I hear you saying you don't feel I'm being vulnerable enough, I can understand why you would say that." Note that you're not AGREEING with her, you're merely acknowledging her feelings. Because even if you think her feelings are wrong or misplaced, they ARE her feelings and ALL feelings are valid to the person experiencing them.

"Ultimatums" are a terrible idea. First of all, they never go like the LBS hopes they will. Second of all, the LBS rarely goes through with the threat, so it makes them look even more wimpy and indecisive. You may THINK you are fine with option 2, but I think if you're honest with yourself what you are hoping is that she'll be so afraid of option 2 that she will agree to option 1. But she WILL NOT! She's more likely to go on a tirade and tell you what a controlling, manipulative jerk you are and that she will never ever in a zillion years want to be with you again. So then what do you do? You either do nothing which makes you look powerless, or you push S through yourself which is YOU doing all the work for HER. It's a lose-lose situation for you. What you SHOULD do is.... yeah this will come as no surprise... DETACH! Leave her alone! Give her time and space. Let HER make the decisions about the R. And if she doesn't make any decisions? MORE time and space!

Always remember this- you can't NICE her back.... and you can't MEAN her back.

"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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