The rule of thumb we give is sometimes respond right away, sometimes wait an hour or so, and sometimes (if it's nothing important) don't reply at all. The idea isn't to seem cold and indifferent, but rather, you are just busy living life. Make her wonder what you're up to, not why you are being rude. Make sense? Of course it's different if you're still under the same roof because she probably knows where you are most of the time. So if you're at work she probably knows your phone is right there and that if you don't reply then it's intentional. The rule works better if separated.
This is definitely where I have struggled - especially when it is obvious it is intentional. I need to find that happy medium where I actually am detached and don't need to think about if/when I should respond. Right now it feels more manipulative because I am not there yet.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I do understand that, and if you decide you need to separate then by all means do so. I'm a firm believer that separation is a better path to reconciliation then trying to exist under the same roof. The resentment just continues to grow and grow while you continue living together. I mean Steve did it but it's pretty uncommon. But if you have any doubts at all, then wait. Separating now versus 6 months from now really doesn't make a lot of difference in the grand scheme of things.
My issue is that she says she wants me to show her I can be vulnerable and open with her (whether their is any truth to that is another conversation) which I could attempt if I felt like we were both working on things. As long as she's on dating sites I can't open myself up like she says she wants me too. She's getting her cake and eating it too while I'm over here eating sh!t sandwiches. Since we are already 75% separated (sharing an apartment and taking turns co-parenting) I see it as going to 100% and removing the family stuff we agreed to. That way I can focus more on me without the weekly reminders of how messed up things are or getting lulled back into a sense of false security.
