Thank you for the response and excellent points!
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Interesting. So when you say you've stopped detaching, you mean you're communicating with her more versus going dark? And that has resulted in an improvement in your R with her? Then keep doing it. Like Michele says, do what works, stop doing what doesn't work. You can't snap her out of the fog, but you CAN "keep the way home paved and smooth". What does that mean, well it means treat her with kindness and respect even when she doesn't do the same for you. It means let her go and go about your life while leaving the door open to a future with her.
Yes, we are communicating more and it has "improved" things as much as it can given the sitch. I do find myself being much more guarded in my communication and deliberate though. I do try and treat her with respect and try to be "impeccable with my words" as much as I can.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Don't shrug anything off. Listen and validate. "I hear you saying you feel I've been distant and ignoring you, I'm sorry I've made you feel this way, this is something I will work on." Giving her time and space doesn't mean shutting her out completely. It's fine to keep lines of communication open, and to be friendly and polite when you do talk.
I feel like I have a hard time distinguishing when to respond and keep lines of communication open vs. just not responding at all. Of course my past default was to respond to everything and I went from that to the opposite side (for me) of not responding or at least not right away.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Sounds like you're trying to control and manipulate to me. These "ultimatums" are a terrible idea. First of all, they never go like the LBS hopes they will. Second of all, the LBS rarely goes through with the threat, so it makes them look even more wimpy and indecisive. You may THINK you are fine with option 2, but I think if you're honest with yourself what you are hoping is that she'll be so afraid of option 2 that she will agree to option 1. But she WILL NOT! She's more likely to go on a tirade and tell you what a controlling, manipulative jerk you are and that she will never ever in a zillion years want to be with you again. So then what do you do? You either do nothing which makes you look powerless, or you push S through yourself which is YOU doing all the work for HER. It's a lose-lose situation for you. What you SHOULD do is.... yeah this will come as no surprise... DETACH! Leave her alone! Give her time and space. Let HER make the decisions about the R. And if she doesn't make any decisions? MORE time and space!

Always remember this- you can't NICE her back.... and you can't MEAN her back.
!
I am not thinking of it as an ultimatum or to manipulate her. And reading what others have said and thinking about it more it shouldn't be presented that way and instead more of a change to the current agreement. The reason I need this is for myself. Playing house, having family dinners, still acting as if things were normal, etc. is just setting me up for more hurt. It also makes me feel disrespected when I know what she's doing in her free time. She's wanting the comfort I provide to make it easy for her to get what she wants elsewhere and I am done with that. I am 100% sure she won't give up the dating sites, or even if she did I wouldn't trust it, so I need to move from this current soft separation to one where I can fully detach without getting random texts, requests to fix something, nights spent in bed cuddling, etc. that just serve to make it hurt more when I think about the dating sites. But you are right about manipulating in general though, I definitely have been doing that in different ways, but I see be making this change it will also make it so I can't be as manipulative. Harder to do that if you aren't in constant communication.