Been a few days so thought I'd share an update. Things have been OK of late, mostly because I have stopped most of my detaching in order to make Xmas as good as possible given the circumstances. There have been a few occasions where she has brought up my being distant, ignoring her, etc. and I've mostly shrugged it off. She also found a couple of books in our Amazon account I bought about separation and recovery from betrayal. I wasn't trying to hide them or be sneaky so I told her I was working on me. She sent a snarky reply about how that doesn't seem to involve being vulnerable (she's big on Brene Brown) or open with her since I've been so distant. I calmly replied that I can't be vulnerable without trust and I can't trust her if she's on dating sites. She replied "OK" and dropped it. I didn't push it and am not going to until after Xmas where I plan to lay out 2 options - 1. We decide to work on us, I will be open and vulnerable, and she will stop all dating. 2. She won't stop all dating and we will go from this soft separation into a full one where I can move on and fully detach. My guess is it will be option 2.
Since she's been back though she has told me repeatedly how good I look and how I've lost weight and added muscle. She's liking that, lol. I've also continued to GAL, going to jiu jitsu and getting my butt kicked whenever I can, reading reading reading, and booked a whale watching trip on a zodiac and a deep sea fishing trip for when I'm down at the coast.
Why is it her choice? Salty, you have more control over this than you think you do. The problem is that you aren't detached and you are thinking like a a weak, overly attached beta male. "Please get off the dating sites and work on us! PLEASE!"
You do not get to choose if she is on dating sites. You do get to choose whether or not you are a soft separation or a full one. Likely you like this soft one because you are too afraid to move to full separation. So what you have done so far is taught her that it is okay for her to be on dating sites and STILL demand you be vulnerable. -puke-
So rather than give her a choice, the right move here is to move on to full separation. You do not discuss this (remember, action not words). You simply decide what full separation looks like and move to that. ACTION.
Stop engaging with her on things like the above conversation. Most LBSs say too much and that is exactly what you are doing. The barb about vulnerability should have been ignored.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
