Totally agree and I also admit that when I started this process (even before joining this board) my changes were only to save the marriage and not for me. That has gradually shifted as I've started to GAL and continue to read as much as I can. My IC is also a huge help in not telling me what to do but helping guide me towards the answers so I can figure them out myself. I am in no way fully detached yet, but I'm much further along than I was.
You are very early into the DB process.
And to understand and to be detached isn't something that I would expect. I have read from people that have been here for years that aren't detached. So go easy on yourself there.
I think the first step is to ask yourself WHY you want to detach ?
Is it because of guilt ?
Anger??
Obligation ????
Whoa...that's a big one there....
Detachment isn't linear either. You don't just decide one day to "be" detached. It's a series of decisions, thoughts, and constant actions to propel YOU to where YOU want to be...
You don't just wake one morning and say....I am detached, and it's done....
Detaching is more of a 'way of life', rather than a decision...
Why you detach, is more important than IF you detach...
Thoughts become words Words become decisions Decisions become actions Actions become behavioral patterns
Eventually? they all make up who you are inside....
So WHY do you want to detach ?
Are you standing because of guilt ?
Obligation ?
Love?
How would you define the difference between Love and Obligation ???
Where do YOU fit within that ???
Originally Posted by SDawg
Funny, I just finished the Four Agreements along with The Mindful Divorce and both really drove home the idea of being in charge of your own emotions and decisions. It's tough because you think you already are doing that, but when you dig a little deeper it is obvious you aren't. It's taken some work but I'm actually trying to feel compassion towards her and forgiving her - not because she deserves it, but I need to so I can stop dwelling on what has or hasn't happened. But as I think you all know, it's a bumpy ride and isn't always easy to stay on the road.
How about you ???
Are you feeling any forgiveness or compassion towards yourself ???
Think about how focusing YOUR healing, into your situation, can affect a clear and realistic view of who you are...
Originally Posted by SDawg
This is really the $64,000 question, isn't it? And it is one I'm working on. The books I've been reading are big on determining your values, goals, needs, etc. And it's funny because you think you know them until you're asked to write them down. So yeah, I don't have an answer yet because depending on the day of the week, it's going to be different. Once it stop changing, I'll know.
Who gets that money ???
You do realize that YOU...and YOU ALONE....
Is the only person that gets to define YOU...
Soooooo...
What day of the week should be irrelevant...
Who you want to be,.....
What kind of a person do YOU want to show to the world each and every morning....???
What kind of person do you want your children to remember when they think of you ???
What qualities do you want to pass down to them ???
