Not DBing only to see the impact, but seeing the impact is kind of a proof of concept. If I kept getting told by people on here that she going to do A, and she never does, then I'm going to be skeptical. Instead, she's doing exactly what has been predicted which makes me trust the process more.
Originally Posted by Mach1
And I think that you are trying to jump through too many of her hoops because you are trying to move forward whilst looking in the rearview mirror.
DBing is about making those changes for yourself, so that you can become you again....
And no matter how hard you try, you cannot lead from behind...
And, you are never gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into....
Totally agree and I also admit that when I started this process (even before joining this board) my changes were only to save the marriage and not for me. That has gradually shifted as I've started to GAL and continue to read as much as I can. My IC is also a huge help in not telling me what to do but helping guide me towards the answers so I can figure them out myself. I am in no way fully detached yet, but I'm much further along than I was.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Why are you holding her accountable for your emotions ???
Why are you holding her responsible for your decisions ???
Funny, I just finished the Four Agreements along with The Mindful Divorce and both really drove home the idea of being in charge of your own emotions and decisions. It's tough because you think you already are doing that, but when you dig a little deeper it is obvious you aren't. It's taken some work but I'm actually trying to feel compassion towards her and forgiving her - not because she deserves it, but I need to so I can stop dwelling on what has or hasn't happened. But as I think you all know, it's a bumpy ride and isn't always easy to stay on the road.
Originally Posted by Mach1
What is it, that you want (for you, not the marriage) ?????
This is really the $64,000 question, isn't it? And it is one I'm working on. The books I've been reading are big on determining your values, goals, needs, etc. And it's funny because you think you know them until you're asked to write them down. So yeah, I don't have an answer yet because depending on the day of the week, it's going to be different. Once it stop changing, I'll know.
