Originally Posted by may22
Originally Posted by wooba
He apologized for hurting you and his lying and betrayal. How is that different from "saying sorry that it happened?" Sorry, I'm not really understanding this part.
He didn't say all those things (it was a mistake, he never loved her), but are those the things what you want him to say?
What if he never sees the A as a mistake because he actually fell in love with her, but at the same time he feels remorse for the hurt that he's caused you?

Welllllll... this is the rub, isn't it? Why isn't what he is saying good enough for me? I need to sit with this. I think I'm letting my reconciliation fantasy get in the way of reality, maybe. Esther Perel says it is enough for the WS to be truly remorseful that they hurt the other person-- they don't have to regret it in its entirety, because it may have been an important, life-giving experience for them. I get this, intellectually. I think you're right in that he did fall in love with her. I get it, sometimes. But it is slippery to hold onto knowing that and being okay with that, for me, right now. I guess I WANT it to have been all a fantasy and mistake and he tells me it wasn't really love, just a sad figment of a mini MLC. (I feel a bit like Veruca Salt right now... I want I want I want!) For whatever reason, where I am right now, just being sorry he hurt me, his lies and betrayal... it doesn't feel like ENOUGH. Maybe it should be. Maybe it will be, with time. I'm glad he isn't just telling me what i want to hear, at least. He could, and he isn't.

Well, you're doing better than me, because I don't get this intellectually. I am still trying to figure out how to process this. My H regrets his affair and wishes he could go back and time so it never happened (I think because he feels shame because I good man wouldn't do that). BUT he loved her totally. Thinks she is amazing and blah blah blah. Can barely find a fault with her. So we all get some sort of $hit sandwich one way or another, and I think it's so hard to move through that. Or maybe it's just me. Sometimes I care less about her than others, I can tell I am moving forward, but it's still hard. So your struggle with it is understandable for me. I like a lot about Esther Perel, but I don't get this one. I want him to regret it in it's entirety. The thought of it being life-giving experience for him makes me want to puke. Especially since I was holding down the fort at home while he was having the time of his life. On the other hand, I understand I cant take the bitter train, there is no healing on the path. And I don't want their relationship to have power over me. So somehow, we have to move through this. Maybe I just don't like being compared to her.

Originally Posted by wooba
Wish I could visit you one day! smile

Originally Posted by may22
Yes!!!!! Maybe MWD should have a conference or something where we could all attend and spend a week together at a resort or something, sipping umbrella drinks and ogling the pool boys. wink


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.