I sent the email that I posted here this morning. We'll see how or if she responds.
I am concerned about my kids and the lack of communication with my wife in regards to them, but I guess its best for me to keep this to myself for now.
And you are all correct, I'll never understand it. I wish I could stop trying to.
Ginger1, Vapo, and LH - Yes, I made her feel like her contribution was not important. It was a pattern - she would get upset at me for not making enough money or not helping out enough around the house or for working too late and I would get upset with her. She would complain that she had to do it all and I would get upset because that is what she signed up for.
I have never given her credit for my ability to be successful because the entire time I was working she was ripping me apart. Saying I didn't get home earlier enough for dinner, that I didn't do enough around the house, that I didn't make enough money. It made it very hard to be appreciative of the things she did. I am guilty of all of this.
And once both kids got in school it got worse. She would say how hard her life was but from my view she had nothing she really had to do. then she went back to work and we carved up all the household duties evenly and she complained about work constantly. At that point I did not have the skills to listen and validate. Then she quit that job and didn't look for another one, she just made excuses for not looking.
She did not feel valued because I didn't value her, I resented her. I didn't and haven't felt like she was doing her fair share around the house. She would say she was going to take care of something -- for example she had three goals for the summer, getting a dead tree taken down, getting our carpets cleaned, and getting our chairs reupholstered. She did none of it. She said she was going to get a job, but she never looked for one. I have been frustrated, but with the constant threat of divorce and/or separation hanging over my head for years I never raised these issues up.
My coach said in November that I was over functioning and that led her to under function; I'm still guilty of this.
And Steve, the situation you described with your wife was very similar to mine. I think she has been planning her escape for over 5 or 6 years going back to before her EA.
From here I need to not make it any worse and get space. Continue to work on myself. And handle the emotions of this for me and my kids. I need to develop a working relationship that allows us to co-parent effectively, but before I can do too much work on that I need to heal emotionally and detach.