Still taking it a day at a time

[may22]

Wayfarer, I know. I have been thinking about what you said all day. And thinking back to you saying to me a long, long time ago to watch the rage and what would happen when it came out. And not to let this experience make me lose the hopeful and optimistic May inside.

I'm scared I don't know how to walk this middle path. That all I know how to do is to be the optimist or shut it all down. It's hard. I'm crying right now as I type this because it does feel so comfortable to not GAF. And what does that mean about me?

You're right in that I know he can see right through me when I'm just giving something lip service. I did and said all the right things but it wasn't from my heart. And he knew it. And what Sage said awhile back that me not saying anything is still a prison for him because he knows I'm feeling something that makes him feel uncomfortable and he can't deal.

I am thinking now that the record thing might have been more of the issue for him than the "I don't care" comment. Or that they're meshed together, that me saying "I don't care" was about the record and the cooking and the trying and all the rest. I still think there was a good healthy dose of self-pity in there. But you're right in that it may have not been the only feeling. The tears are unusual.

How did you walk that line, WF? I know what people will say is SEPARATE and then you both have the freedom to work through your own $hit on your own timeline without interfering with each other. Short of that, what? I really do feel like the anger has abated, but it is not gone. And I know it isn't a linear process.

Ugh. And our IC just had a big billing issue with our insurance and had to stop sessions for a bit while she gets it worked out.

Maybe what I do next is let myself process some of this again, let it out, punching bag, yoga, meditate, fun something with the kids tonight. Nice glass of wine and bubble bath... and tomorrow start over with living in the moment, maybe a notch kinder than I was being before. I can do this.