May, just so you know I'm not asking you to fawn all over H. He isn't where he needs to be to deserve that. You aren't where you need to be for that to be safe emotionally. I'm just asking you to pay attention to what you're saying and doing. Because I can see what you're saying and what you're not saying here. I don't think you're ungrateful, but you know he can tell when you say things for lip service and when you mean it in the same way you can see the way he is seeking something from you meaningfully or for his own self gratification. I know you think he was crying because of self pity, and honestly maybe he was, but what if that was only part of it.
I cried every time H and I got into a little spat as we tried to glue the pieces of our sh!tshow back together, regardless of whose fault it was because every single time it felt like I was nailing that door shut. I'm not saying your H is enlightened and open enough to think that deeply about things. But there's a good chance he's not a complete narcissist and he may be genuinely upset about things in layers that it's not just self pity. I'm not asking you to comfort him or walk it back. He's a big boy. And at some point here he's going to have to learn to walk through negative feelings all by himself. What I'm saying is that you know you could've taken a higher road and just decided it wasn't worth it. And that doesn't sound like you. That sounds like Rage May.
I can see the little cracks of rage spilling out over the edges of you trying very hard to be detached and take some time to just live your life and figure things out. And I will never not say your anger is justifiable because it is. And it always will be. But we all have to make choices here and I'm worried that because you still have so much of that pain and anger just under the surface that the choices you make are going to be counter productive to what you want because it feels so deeply relieving and freeing in the moment to just not GAF about H or his feelings. But that's a fine line to walk between that kind of detachment and ice. I'm really asking you here to watch your step.
