Still taking it a day at a time

[may22]

I wrote a whole long post and decided to delete that one. May, I know this is tough.

Basically, you are both back in marriage 1.0. Which is pretty much going to end up with the same result.

I echo wayfarer. He’s trying. But you keep punishing . Marriage 1.0. You let him back with no clear expectations. So he is doing what he thinks he can do. Speak your love language ( acts of service) try to share and connect on his interest and he is getting stonewalled .does he deserve it? Sure, but if you truly want a marriage 2.0, you can’t do that.

I really, really refuse to go back to M1.0. There are definitely flashes of that right now, but I'm doing my best to control my own responses on my side of the street to avoid that outcome. For me, at least, one of the most important things I've identified is to not let resentment creep in. It ate away at me and made me small and bitter and was a major factor in the SSM for me. I don't want that and I'm working hard to not go down that hole. Detaching myself from caring about his frustration is a mechanism for me to keep from feeling resentful. I feel more like... eh. sorry. I don't really give a cr@p about it.

I feel I was really really clear with him about needing her to be 100% out of our lives and his head (yes, I know that was not realistic but that is what I said I wanted) and him to take responsibility for his actions and be wholly remorseful in order for us to move on. That I want to wait until we are at that place before going to MC. (I don't want to go and listen to him being sad about missing AP.)

Maybe I was asking for too much. I know people here have gently questioned me on my desire to see him rending his shirt and tearing his hair with sorrow and remorse, being embarrassed and disgusted when he thinks of his A. I guess this is my fantasy scenario and not very realistic... but I know he's aware that I want him to say he's over her fully before I want to work on things between us. Maybe I'm being petty by not being more appreciative of the things he's trying to do because the big thing isn't done first. To me, it feels like glossing over the fact that the big thing isn't done yet (and maybe never will be done, in which case I don't know that I can stay in the M to him even if he doesn't cheat again) and it feels like we would just be slowly drifting back to M1.0. That is why, at least in my head, I'm sticking to my guns on this and not making it too comfortable for him and reinforcing his trying. I feel more like where Blu is-- that is the easy stuff, and I'm waiting for the harder stuff before I open my heart back up.

And I truly don't feel like I'm punishing him, or stonewalling him in a significant way. I am kind and appreciative. I met his eyes and thanked him multiple times about the record. I made a big deal about it. We listened to it twice. (I did not jump up right away to turn it over when the first side ended because I AM NOT USED TO RECORDS and I didn't think about it... but he noticed and thought I must not really like it). I didn't, however, let it make me go all gooey inside, that he was sharing this thing with me. It did not spark joy or love inside of me. Should it have? It would have before the A. And I hope a gesture like this will again, in time. But where I am right now, being verbally appreciative was about the best I could do. The problem is, I think he expected or hoped it would make me gooey inside, and he knows me well enough to know it didn't. I just am not going to be gooey inside until I feel safely into piecing, I think.

He doesn't get the gooey bright-eyed optimistic May, right now. I can't be that girl. I don't want to be her until he stands up and tells me enough so that I believe it that she's gone from his heart. If you recall, the best he told me was a month or so ago that he wasn't "actively" in love with her anymore. Might that have changed in a month? Maybe. But I'm waiting to hear it from him directly. I don't want to make assumptions based on him being nicer.

And I get the feeling that you want him be fed up and leave so it’s him doing the leaving and you not doing the kicking out. I could be off base, but I get this impression.

Intellectually, I do not want this. Emotionally, maybe I do, sometimes.