I just want to add that when I read your post I sense your deep anger and hurt. I don't know about you, but for me, sometimes when he has been nice to some degree to me, I feel anger rise up. It's like I finally felt like it was safe enough to let it surface. I've realized that I still have hurt and anger to deal with, and I have to be careful to acknowledge it and see it so I don't take it out on others. It's so hard.
I would also be careful of expectations. Expectations are tricky things. Needs are better, and can actually be satisfied. I agree he needs to show he is working on himself, but I am not sure dictating which books to read are the correct way. The way you work on yourself and what touches your heart and mind are likely different than his.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.